Surreal

Christmas has come and gone without me feeling very much of the season. Microsoft Sidewinder mouse and Count Dooku's lightsabre are the presents of note this year, but the thought that occured to me when I opened them was 'Yay I can take this with me to Australia' and 'Damn, I can't take this to Australia... can I?'

It hasn't really sunk in yet.

Hollow

I have just finished Batman: The Animated Series Season 1!

Which is pretty much the only accomplishment I can claim in the last month.

Disparity

Every night I go to sleep disappointed with myself for having wasted yet another day away. And promise myself that tomorrow will be different, that I'm actually gonna DO something productive. And every morning I wake up with fire in my back muscles instead of my veins, and when any morning strength you can muster is devoted to pulling yourself out of bed and walking so slowly to the bathroom it's pretty damn hard to want to do anything else for the rest of the day.

I woke up this morning in serious amounts of pain, like every inch of my back just ACHED like crazy. It was about 10 and I thought I had slept enough already so I went to the bathroom, and for some reason after I walked out the bathroom door I just collapsed on the floor there. Like my legs just gave way and refused to work. I literally crawled back to my bed and managed to pull myself up and stay there, where I slept til about... now.

It seems that little parts of me/my life are breaking down piece by piece around me. I don't even know if it's due to no fault on my part or because I've neglected them. And with everything that dies the effort to revive each and every one saps a little bit more out of me. And I'm not sure how much I have left.

Abstinence

I just went more than 24 hours without switching on my computer!

Asylum

Before I forget, everyone should go watch Fantastic Mr Fox because it's pretty awesome.

It's been two weeks since I've left Army and while I've kinda wanted to write down what I've learned and how I've changed in the last two years I can't really seem to get down to it. Alot of reluctance involved in digging up those memories. I still won't say that it was an invaluable experience that I'll cherish forever, but I'll at least admit now that it wasn't a complete waste of my time. Anyway, moving on.

Batman Arkham Asylum has got to be one of the most gripping games I've played ever. It's like... a combination of Metal Gear, Devil May Cry and Phoenix Wright all in one. It's pretty psychologically intense as well. I'm attributing my minor headache now to Joker and Scarecrow.

Addiction

I have come to the conclusion that after a night of clubbing, I'll end up being filled with an immense amount of loathing for:

a) Myself
b) The rest of the world or
c) Both.

It's not so much a judgement on my part. Everyone gets to do what they please in life. If you're enjoying yourself (or you have made yourself believed that you've enjoyed yourself) then by all means carry on. And if you didn't it makes you wonder why the hell you were there at all, and worse, why you'd go back.

All Boys Are Assholes

It's getting harder to remember these days that I was once a good person, or that there's some part of me that still cares about people. I know it's there, or it was there, somewhere buried deep inside under layers of... God-knows-what.

And now I look at myself in the mirror and see a person that I feel repulsed by, yet at the same time can welcome him warmly as the person that I am. I've never run away from my flaws, nor denied they existed, but the problem with accepting them is that you become used to their presence, such that getting rid of them becomes all the harder. I don't hate myself, but nor am I the person that I want to be. Then again I don't really know who that is either.

Crazy

I remember when, I remember
I remember when I lost my mind.
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions have an echo in so much space.

And when you're out there without a care
Yeah, I was out of touch.
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough,
I just knew too much.

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Probably.

...

My heroes had the heart
To lose their lives on a limb.
And all I remember,
Is thinking, I want to be like them.

Ever since I was little,
Ever since I was little it looked like fun.
And it's no coincidence I've come,
And I can die when I'm done.

But maybe I'm crazy,
Maybe you're crazy.
Maybe we're crazy,
Probably.

Crazy - Gnarls Barkley

Ethreal Guilt

It's funny/scary how even my dream self seems to have some sort of a conscience, or at least a clear sense of what's right and wrong.

I think I've mentioned before that the scariest kind of nightmares arn't the ones that have no realistic likelihood of coming true (i.e. aliens invading, or terrorists attacking Singapore) but the kind that could happen in your everyday life, given the right circumstances. These are the kinds that can scare you to the very core of your being, because you'd never know if they'd ever happen.

Sympathy

There's something about another guy crying in front of you that sorta makes you think about things. Sure, girls cry all the time but for a dude to cry in front of another dude means something's really messed up.

Something about that whole situation today sorta struck me as significant enough for me to remember it now, just before I'm going to bed. I didn't even like the guy. He's the kind of arrogant yet idiotic, pompous yet loserish kind of person that sorta typifies everything I hate about other people in army. He came back to camp today after a long 3 or so months of MC for depression, and I can imagine the kind of remarks he would've gotten from the other insensitive blockheads of assholes in my camp. I had way better things I'd rather have been doing like reading my book or playing PSP, but something I saw in his haunted eyes made me stop and ask him into my office to talk, and catch up a little. Maybe it was because he once slept in the same room as me for a period of time, or maybe by my indifferent attitude towards everyone in camp it meant that I was a closest thing he had to a friend in a hostile environment. I still don't know why I did it.

But anyway he came in, and I made the mistake of asking how he'd been and what had happened. He didn't exactly... break down, we were never close enough for that, but yet when you see someone who was once so cocksure and annoying lose all shred of his dignity and not even give a damn you can't help but feel... sorta sorry for him. Like yea he was, and still is an asshole and an idiot, but nobody deserves that kinda shit happening to them. At least not for his sins. Hell, if you wanna talk justice even I deserve all that more than him. And feel sorry for him I did, because ultimately that was about the most I could do. I couldn't help him, which was not for lack of trying. I talked to him, tried to talk him out of the self-destructive spiral that he seemed destined towards, and ran into that same stubborn obnoxious idiot that annoyed the crap out of me 6 months ago. Despite everything that happened, it occured to me that he was still exactly the same person. Broken down, spit on by society and without a shred of his dignity left, but he still hadn't learned a thing about his faults or what led him to his current state. I can't even find it in me to laugh, or shake my head at that kind of idiocy. There was just a lingering sense of pity, for someone that despite all the bad things that happened, has NO IDEA AT ALL why they happened, and seems destined for similar events to hit him again.

Perhaps I'm being judgemental, and maybe despite my pessimism he finds the will, or the divine help, to pull himself out of his current predicament. After he was sorta calmed down he left my office, and I told him to take care of himself and to call me if he ever needed help or anything. To my surprise I found that I meant what I said, that I really would help him as long as it was for his own good, even though I probably wouldn't influence his life in any impactful way.

I never liked him. I don't think I ever will. But somehow it's not easy to turn someone like that away. And when you see someone so young who's been fucked so thoroughly by life that you think he's doomed to ignomity and a shitty existence and you want nothing more than to have absolutely nothing to do with him, that's when surprisingly you find that you actually care more for people like that who can't help themselves. So all you do his offer your hand, not even hoping that he'll take it and you can lead him back into the light, because that would be too much to hope for, but simply believing that in helping him take that first of many steps he might defeat the odds and make something out of his life one day. Perhaps I exaggerate, as I always do, but that's how we learn.

And learn most importantly, I must. To see what had become of someone who once had unwavering belief in his own strength and abilities, due to a combination of stubbornness and bad luck (or being on the negative side of God's plan, take your pick), and keep it in your brain as a dark reminder of what you DON'T want to become.

Great Expectations

'Biddy,' said I, after binding her to secrecy, 'I want to be a gentleman.'

'Oh I wouldn't, if I was you!' she returned. 'I don't think it would answer.'

'Biddy,' said I, with some severity, ' I have particular reasons for wanting to be a gentleman.'

'You know best, Pip; but don't you think you are happier as you are?'

'Biddy,' I exclaimed impatiently, 'I am not at all happy as I am. I am disgusted with my calling and with my life. I have never taken to either, since I was bound. Don't be absurd'

'Was I absurd?' said Biddy, quietly raising her eyebrows; 'I am sorry for that; I didn't mean to be. I only want you to do well, and to be comfortable.'

'Well then, understand once and for all that I never shall or can be comfortable - or anything but miserable - there, Biddy! - unless I can lead a very different sort of life from the life I lead now.'

'That's a pity!' said Biddy, shaking her head with a sorrowful air.

Now, I too had so often thought it a pity, that, in a singular kind of quarrel with myself which I was always carrying on, I was half inclined to shed tears of vexation and distress when Biddy gave utterance to her sentiment and my own. I told her she was right, and I knew it was much to be regretted, but still it was not to be helped.

'If I could have settled down,' I said to Biddy ... ... 'if I could have settled down and been but half as fond of the forge as I was when I was little, I know it would have been much better for me. You and I and Joe would have wanted nothing then, and Joe and I would perhaps have gone partners when I was out of my time, and I might have even grown up to keep company with you, and we might have sat on this very bank on a fine Sunday, quite different people. I should have been good enough for you; shouldn't I, Biddy?'

...

'Instead of that,' said I, ... ... ' see how I am going on. Dissatisfied, and uncomfortable, and - what would it signify to me, being coarse and common, if nobody had told me so!'

- Great Expectations

The Best Week In Two Years

Undoubtedly.

Didn't do everything I wanted, in fact I've left quite alot unfinished. Didn't achieve everything I wanted, and I lost alot that I felt was kinda precious to me. (For as sentimentally attached to things that I can get) Didn't get to meet all the friends I wanted to, didn't get to spend as much time as I wanted to with the people I loved. Didn't exactly have the perfect birthday, didn't get as many presents as I would've liked and on top of that I might've spent close to a month's pay over these 9 days.

I have laughed, cried, sang, danced, swore, fought and gone through a dozen other emotionally charged actions all week. Mundanity is barely comprehensible now after all that I've been through. 2 more months of the banality I have yet to endure, but if this is what's waiting on the other side for the rest of my life then I can survive these last 2 months til the new beginning.

It has nothing to do with what I did, or didn't do. It was simply being able to choose and be in control (as much as I can) of my life for a week that made the difference. And it makes you all the more appreciative of what you did do, and what you have. The fact that it is yours, attained my your actions and your choices, allows you to be proud of everything that transpired, and look back upon the time fondly. Not with sentimentality and nostalgia, but with contentment and peace, knowing that the feeling there is yours to be grasped anytime you want it.

Happy Birthday

to Andrew Mcmahon again!

I am 20 now and must hence behave like an adult, and no longer a teenager.

Fear -> Anger

I got angry twice in two days now. Surprisingly it had nothing to do with army, at least not directly. But in a sense the struggles from the week follow me around, somewhat unconsciously. It's not healthy, and I don't really like it. Anger makes you do and say things that will induce people to say 'RJ students got no EQ'. I don't think I've ever done something stupid while angry before. Logic still rules, for the most part. All it makes me do is say things without regard to how other people will react.

There's a saying that goes 'Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate .... '. It's interesting on the latter that anger and hate are actually two seperate things. I would go so far as to say that hate isn't an emotion, but a choice, somewhat like love. Even though I guess we use both words interchangeably in daily life there's actually a difference. Hate you can control, anger not so much. But that's a story for another time.

This is actually helping. Writing. Constructing rational arguments.

Most of my anger is based on fear. Fear at not being able to do achieve what I want. Fear of failing. Army can make me angry because it taps on my fear of not being in control. Which isn't so bad, but it goes one step further to take control away from you, even of the simple things in life like when to eat and sleep. My parents are actually the primary cause of most of my anger because they keep nagging/poking me regarding the things that I worry about daily. (Relationships, Future, Things-that-parents-decide-to-take-responsibility-for etc.) And it doesn't help, at all.

Same goes for driving. I'm scared shitless when I get behind the wheel everytime, which I combat as usual with a flippant attitude. Deep down there's this fear that something might go wrong and I'd kill myself and someone else, and it may not even have been my fault. It doesn't help that every time I get behind the wheel I have someone shouting instructions from my left. Note: do not ever backseat, or passsenger seat drive. All you do is irritate the driver.

When you get angry you need outlets, before it becomes energy destructive to yourself and those around you. And when I say energy I really do mean it in its fullest sense. The last good example of when I converted anger into energy was during the BMT 24km Route March. It still amazes me til today that I got through it. But anyway I reached a point where happy thoughts wern't enough to sustain me, which was when I decided to let anger at things drive my to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It wasn't fun, and I actually fell sick after doing that, and also after another incident, so it's not really healthy either. But yea it works. Mostly I get outlets in the form of games, music, and rarely, sports. But as long as the energy goes somewhere that doesn't affect people it's fine.

Tired now. Anger does that to you. Sigh.

Keeping Fit

Somebody died in a triathalon over the weekend. He's not the first, and unfortunately he probably won't be the last.

Sure it's tragic, and this is in no way showing disrespect to the dead (or if it is it's totally unintended), but this is something that strikes me everytime I read about somebody dying in these events.

It annoys me. Greatly. I read about a man who's about 40, and he dies leaving behind a wife and kids, in the aim of 'keeping fit'. Personally I have nothing against people who want to keep fit when they're old. Or at any age, even though I've never made any such efforts. But running a marathon/triathalon is NOT in any way an example of how to 'keep fit'. I can only think of a two reasons why people might be persuaded to undertake such an idiotic endeavour.

a) They are completely unaware that it is a risk to their health to push their bodies beyond their normal physical limits.
b) They're aware of the risk, but they do it anyway because of the 'high' they get when they complete this.

Speaking of this 'high', I have never and I don't think I ever will understand the feeling of accomplishment that comes from these things. Admittedly I've never run a marathon, but a friend who had likened it to completing that torturous 24km Route March in BMT. He said that the feeling at the end of it was uncomparable, knowing that you've pushed your body to it's limits... to walk 24km, similar to that of completing a marathon. I wondered where he would've got this strange feeling of accomplishment from. As I recall when I finished 24km, exhausted and dehydrated, my feet burning from the blisters and my back aching from the injury that was going to be a permanent one, the only thing I thought was 'Great we finally finished it. Now hurry the fuck up and let me go sleep.' When my officer went up to all of us and said 'Congratulations, guys! You've walked 24km!', everyone cheered, and I was too tired to even raise my eyebrows in irony.

But hey who am I to question what gets you off? I get highs from things others might consider stupid as well. What I don't do is pursue these highs at risk of my HEALTH. The closest thing I can compare that to (which admittedly isn't very fair) is taking drugs. And most common people would have the sense not to do THAT.

It really saddens and angers me, when I see someone who goes after this without stopping to consider the risk he puts himself in, and what he could leave behind if something happens. No matter the amount of training this is something that you cannot influence in any way. There is a point where your body tells you that you should stop doing whatever it is and rest, which can be overridden by your mind if you so choose. This happens all the time, and most of the time it's okay, because our bodies are pussies and want you to give up the minute you feel the slightest discomfort. And as much as I advocate this Mind over Body thing, there is a point where you should listen to it, because there are just some things your mind can't see. (Then again if you were using your logical faculties you wouldn't be in that position in the first place)

Go play your sports and go for your daily runs and do whatever you want to prolong your life. But please THINK before you jump into something like this for whatever reason. Life's too short to chase down these highs when you've people around you who love you, whether or not you've ran 42km.

Sweet Dreams

I had a ... primary school class gathering today. It was, as expected, nice to see those that turned up, but also filled with meaningless conversation that never gets anywhere. I kinda hated it, and yet I didn't want to leave when I had to, because a part of me found some enjoyment in being part of a group, even a hollow one.

Someone also mentioned that in my chosen career path I'd probably end up having to play this social game for a large majority of my life. Those... group lunches, and all those activities that you have to join in to be accepted into the 'gang', so you can be generally liked and make your work life easier. It was, I admit, something that I've not considered until now. I don't know if I'll ever be able to do something like that purely for the sake of integrating into a social circle that I have no desire to be a part of, but I need for my job. It's not that I'm incapable of it, I think. I've done it many times before, but never on a consistent basis. But the latter is probably what's required, which is what does scare me.

I don't like groups in general. I don't even like outings with more than two people. Four isn't so bad, the two couples can always flit back and forth around. But odd numbers always make someone (most oftenly me) feel like the awkward third eye, and anything more than that makes the conversation so pointless. The more people there are the less likely you are to find conversation topics that can tell you the most about the people involved, to such point that everything just becomes idel pleasantries. Perhaps I'm exaggerating abit, but you get what I mean.

One to one dates, one the other hand, are nice. You have the undivided attention of the other party, and vice versa. Everything that comes up will be something that you can relate to, and on the rare occasions that it's not, it's a direct line into the other person's thoughts and personality. Some people find it awkward though, especially when you hit a dry slump and there's nothing to fill the void between two people except look uncomfortably at something else until the next topic comes up. Personally I'd much rather have an awkward silence than a social facade. At least I know that I'm not the only one that's feeling out-of-place at a meeting.

ILI

I finally understand now how work can cause a person stress.

Actually I still don't understand how it works, but I'm feeling it. I used to think stress was always self-induced, and I usually used it when I needed to push myself to put in more effort than I normally would, but this time I definitely don't want or need it, and it isn't helping at all.

I can't even rest at home with my Influenza-Like Illness in peace without getting disturbed by my camp. The knowledge that there's nothing that can be done about the problems in the other world doesn't prevent worries from seeping into Empire City. (A place where all problems are solved by lightning)

I would explode and say 'I can't take it any more' except for the fact that I know LOGICALLY that it won't improve my situation any, and I only have to hold out for 3 and a half more months (probably less) before I can turn my back on all these idiotic trivial things.

I'm whining. On my blog. I hate that. Which is supposed to show how affected I am by this.

I feel like reflecting upon my experiences as a Runner for the last... 8 months but a part of me feels that the story's not over yet, and there are still twists in the plot.

Indifferent

It is... sad, when I see something as beautiful as a sunrise from one of the best views in the country, and feel absolutely nothing. I... can understand the awesomeness of God's power in his creation of something so magnificent, and I can see that awe reflected in the eyes of my friends, but only as a bystander, someone who understands but never truly experiences the wonder of that beauty.

Same goes with most other natural wonders that I've seen in my life. Maybe it's the many places my parents have brought me to see in my childhood that has somehow... jaded me to the whole concept of natural beauty. Actually no. I take that back. It's more of a... I've seen mountains, rivers, canyons, and all those things that supposedly make the world a beautiful place, and yet I am not impressed in any sense. It's more like a passing 'okay that's pretty' feeling, but I can't really connect to any of them. The only geographical location that ever resonated with me was the desert in Africa. It wasn't even like a pretty desert that you see in movies, or anything of the sort. It's the kind of desert that's hot, dry and drains you of any kind of energy that you might have. The difference I think was that it wasn't grand or bombastic, not in the way that some mountains seem to scream out 'LOOK AT ME I'M A MOUNTAIN' or 'ZOMG LOOK HOW AWESOME MY SUNRISE IS'. It was simply a 'I'm a desert. Life sucks here, but thanks for coming anyway'. And it is in a sense the most peaceful place I've ever been. It's also the only geographical place I have (or at least, have come the closest too) experienced God.

The class chalet was... a nice experience. I won't say I had the time of my life there - I never really enjoy large crowds, but it was really nice seeing everyone together in one place, talking, socialising and generally just enjoying each other's company. Myself I prefer smaller gatherings that give more of an opportunity to learn about people better, but I realise how much seeing other people happy gives me a sense of satisfaction of a job well done when I had something to do with planning it.

Better

In the eleven and a half weeks since he had seen Ventress the first time, he had gone through their meeting again and again, cataloging every mistake, anaylzing everything he could remember from that first savage encounter. Back on Coruscant, he had come to understand that he had underestimated her. For the first few passes of their encounter he had been looking to disarm her; by the time he realised his mistake, she had taken the initiative and was driving him back with a relentless attack.

...

He had imagined their rematch a hundred times: contemplated which opening stances to use, which attacks would be most sucessful, which of his strengths he could play to.

...

There was only one thing he had never fully admitted into his analysis. She was better than he was.
Just.
Better.

...

Faster. More elegant. Better footwork. More precise with her blades. ... She understood her own nature and skills and weaknesses better than Jai knew himself.

Just better.

- Star Wars: Dark Rendezvous

Pride and Sensibility

I called one of my best friends an idiot today, which made me feel kinda bad, even though I meant it. But I suppose in a sense stubborness is a part of all of us (myself especially) that's hard to deny. I emphatise, but the label stands.

However it was also nice to see another friend exhibit an uncommonly large amount of sense today. Sometimes you overlook qualities in certain people that turn out to surprise you years after knowing them.

Fanboy

About a week ago I watched Manchester United lose to Barcelona in the Champions League Final in Rome. I've been ashamed to call myself a Red Devil fan for the last week, but not because they went down 2-0 to (after what we saw last Wednesday night) undoubtedly the best footballing team in Europe.

Throughout the week I've had to endure my fellow fans mutter under their breaths repeatedly on how 'the better team lost' and how 'we deserved to win', and most irritatingly of all, how 'I wish Chelsea were in the final instead'

Maybe you guys were watching a replay of a match many years ago, but the way I saw it my favourite team was getting their asses handed to them for 80 minutes. (They were actually owning for the first 10, totally being objective here) What is it about fans that they're just blindingly ignorant to the reality of the match transpiring in front of them? We're so fixated on the concept of winning that we somehow forget how to react when we lose. So when we do, we just turn our heads away from the fact and go on about all the past trophies that our favourite team as won. (Something my brother has been doing for... 16 years) Also, I don't understand why being a Manchester United fan seems to come in a package of arrogance for supporting the best team in England. They may very well be, but that doesn't mean we have to mock our fellow supporters from the Big 4. Chelsea, Liverpool, and Aston Villa fans are very much entitled to being fans of their own clubs and their own players. That's like... some guy from Raffles going around and making fun of all the people that come from places like HC and AC for being stupider. They may not be wrong, but that doesn't make them any less fucked up.

Second of all, please. PLEASE. Stop referring to Manchester United as 'We'. In that 'We' won the treble in 99. 'We' have now won the English League as many times as Liverpool and 'We' have the best players in the world. For God's sake, YOU are NOT part of Manchester United. You do not play for them, you do not pay for them, and large majority of you probably have never watched them live. And never will.

Lastly, and this is the weirdest one, why do you keep wishing that it was Chelsea at that final and not Barcelona? Who the hell wants to see ANOTHER Man U v Chelsea match? A friend at my place agreed that the matchup would've been incredibly boring, but 'at least WE would've won'. So what? Since when was it about winning? ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE A FAN, NOT A PLAYER. At least if you put money on it that might've been justified, but then you're an idiot for betting on a team that you're unable to think about objectively. I personally enjoyed watching the match, and watching Barcelona play (with English commentary). I remember the first football match I saw was ages ago (yes, before the Champions League Final of '99, I was a Man U fan before they actually started winning stuff). It was one of those seasons in '97 or '98, when Arsenal was still winning, but United chased them to the very end of the season. (Okay so my memory may not be correct here, but I was 8. This is how I remember it) And I remember watching United lose to Arsenal in one of the key matches for the season, but the way they played back then sparked something in me that made me want to watch them again. To be honest I don't think the feeling comes that strongly anymore when I watch the 'best United team in History' play, but that's not going to stop me from supporting them. (Also I seem to remember watching it with 2 friends. One of whom I always got annoyed with (Arsenal fan) and the other whom I idolised, somewhat (Man U fan). So I guess it was inevitable.

But ultimately it is kinda sad that watching a sport can turn us into people who can't think rationally. No wait it's kinda sad when anything turns us into people who can't think rationally. Anyway I've actually contemplated not supporting United anymore. (Which is actually a RATHER serious decision, also because it gets me off thinking about which university to go to)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
... I wrote all this because I wanted to think about something that was completely insignificant in my life, for a change. I'm tired. Coming back to camp after a week of off reminds me of that shitty feeling of going back to school after the long June holidays. (First week of January doesn't really count as school) It's kinda sad that I don't really have many friends I can ask out on a last minute basis, but my schedule always seems free for any activities anybody else plans.

Maybe I should talk to Newcastle fans more.

You tried, Captain.

(Spoiler, Elizabeth)

'I failed,' he said.
Maimun hugged him close, shaking his head, choking up.
'I have been ... a fool,' Deudermont gasped, no strength left in him.
'No!' Maimun insisted. 'No. You tried. For the good of the people, you tried.'
And something strange came over young Maimun in that moment, a revelation, an epiphany. He was speaking on Deudermont's behalf a that moment, trying to bring some comfort in a devastating moment of ultimate defeat, but as he spoke the words, they resonated within Maimun himself.
For Deudermont had indeed tried, had struck out for the good of those who had for years, in some cases for all their lives, suffered under the horror of Arklem Greeth and the five corrupt high captains. He had tried to be rid of the awful Prisoner's Carnival, to be rid of the pirates and the lawlessness that had left so many corpses in its bloody wake.
Maimun's own accusations against Deudermont, his claims that Deudermont's authoritarian nature was no better for the people he claimed to serve than were the methods fo the enemies he tried to defeat, rang hollow to the young pirate in that moment of great pain. He felt unsure of himself, as if the axioms upon which he had buildhis adult life were neither as resolute nor as morally pure, and as if Deudermont's impositino of order might not be so absolutely bad, as he had believed.
'You tried, Captain,' he said. 'That is all any of us can ever do.'

- The Pirate King, by R.A. Salvatore

Distant World

I felt... really happy today. More so than I've ever been for a really long time. It wasn't a kind of ecstatic overjoyous feeling, but more so a level of... contentment.

Watching Distant Worlds was.... pretty much the most awesome concert I've ever been to in my life. From an unbiased point of view it wasn't so great quality-wise, but it was the essence was what it was that allowed me to enjoy it so much. Combining the two things I love the most (games and music) and experiencing it on such a grand scale was... nothing short of awesome. I think I was tearing throughout like 90% of the performance. I think for 2 hours today I was truly transported to a place that was the combination of the two worlds of fantasy that I indulge in, which was as close to a heavenly feel that I would ever get. Every note played surged memories of all my past gaming experiences through my head, every spell casted, every GF/Aeon/etc. summoned, every Limit used. I feel the need to describe this in detail now because the feeling's sadly fading away already, and I'd like to put it down for something to remember, to go along with the physical souvenir of Mr. Nobuo Uematsu's autograph, and the less tangible memory of shaking his hand.

The wedding today didn't really disappoint either. Even though I ended up not playing a huge a role as I originally wanted to, it's just... nice to see a wedding in it's full entirety. Especially when you know the couple personally, you feel this sense of... happiness and satisfaction, at seeing a pair happily in love, and enjoying their wedding day despite all the crap that has to come with planning it.

It's things like these that make me believe in love and magic. And after two weeks of crappiness in camp this was exactly what I needed. It's making all the other small things I did to enjoy myself (DotA) seem small in comparison. So I guess I'm thankful, for this... rejuvenating start to my week of rejuvenation.

And maybe, hopefully, one day, I'll find that Distant World right next door, and just one step away from my life.

Television

I realise that the 3 serials that I indulge in all give me points for insight into my own life in some way. OTH allows me to reflect on my relationships with others, House lets me examine my own psyche and motivations, and... Heroes just lets me watch Sylar cut people up.

I am... exhuasted. And I've not even stepped outfield yet. And my 'week' is only a quarter done. It's again, the little things that I need to keep me sane for the next... 9 days.

Lifeless

I didn't leave house at all the whole day. Scary.

I actually woke up at 1230pm today. Like... fell asleep at 230 and when I woke up and looked at the clock it was already 1230. Not like I was tired or anything too. Scary.

I am... about to not see a weekend for the first time in.... almost a year. Scary.

Best Medicine

Tonight was just what I needed. When it's one of those times where there isn't a direct solution to what's bugging you, sometimes the only solution is just to forget about it and laugh it all away for a night. I don't laugh much these days. Not the forced laughter that comes out so often, but the real heartfelt laughter at something.

And it's nice to spend time with people who bring out the 'better' sides of me. While it's always more tempting to spend time with the friends who are the most like you in all ways, it's usually never really a good idea to hang around them too often. People who are too much like you make you think that certain rather unbecoming traits of yourself are acceptable, and you end up not becoming a better person by hanging out with them. Instead you end up 'enabling' each other's bad habits, until what was merely a side of you becomes more and more evident when you're with other people.

Which... is sad, because while these are the people that you can identify with the most, ultimately they add very little to your life, and end up making you not as whole a person as you could be.

Time Is Running Out

It's been... quite a week. Emotional downs and more downs, one of those times when all that's keeping you sane are the small insignificant things that only make you happy because you allow them to. I'm kinda tired of re-telling over and over again everything that's happened.

The scary thing is, it seems like this is only a prelude to what the rest of May has to offer. In a sense it feels like the route march that I started the week with, when you tiredly just drag one foot in front of the other, and the only thing sustaining you is some overly powerful stimulus that will not allow you to give up. The problem being that even if the body wants to give up, the brain can always tell it otherwise, but if the brain wants to give up, there's nothing to tell it to continue. (The heart, evidently, doesn't do shit in this metaphor) Right now I'm plodding one foot in front of the other in some unknown direction, with no real reason to go on though.

Hack

I have concluded that there are so far, 2 instances where an uncontrollable fit of violent coughing (the kind that lasts for 30seconds and more) can be preceeded/followed by the most awesome feeling. They are:

1) After drinking an ungodly amount of Coke.
2) After singing/screaming 'Slither - Velvet Revolver' at the top of your lungs.

After which, my throat never felt clearer. Or more painful. I forget.

Decrepit

I... don't really know what it means when I come back from gatherings like today, and just feel this empty feeling somewhere inside me as I say the last goodbye. It's... the same feeling as when I leave church, and there's that proverbial gap in my heart that's Jesus-shaped, made all the more painful by the knowledge that I got what I chose.

When the different personas I use start to creep into my subconscious and fight for control, I start to... lose the memory of who I started out as, who I'm really supposed to be. There's an old... Caamassi (I think I spelt that wrongly) saying - 'When the wind no longer calls your name, perhaps it is because you no longer know who you are', and I think I've reached that point many years ago. The solution was to step back and remember the last time from which you knew who you were, and start anew from that point. But I think I've reached a stage where memories of the past are so... conflicting that I can't even tell which feelings were genuine, if there were any in the first place. Hell I can't even tell which of my feelings now are genuine.

And if I try to start from how people perceive me... I don't know. I think some of my closest friends believe I am morally decrepit enough to cheat on my girlfriend behind her back, and I honestly can't say I blame them for thinking that. It's the... persona that they've seen for the last... 3-5 years, and it's all they know of me so... it's understandable. Again, one of those things made all the more painful by the fact that I chose this persona. Why? I can't remember, if ever I even had a good enough reason to.

Seeing happiness in others used to make me happy as well. Even if I had nothing to do with that happiness there was at least this small joy in knowing that the people you care about, no matter what problems they're having, can still put a smile on their faces when meeting you. Now... it still makes me happy, but there's this small sadness again. Sigh.

Controlled Alternate

It's been one of those days where you just wonder what would've happened if you lived your life differently. Like... made different key choices at each stage of your life that would've shaped you to be a far different person. Different dreams, different schools, different subjects, different girl... It's said that the person you are is who you were meant to be, that try as you like all you can do is create some facade of a person that can hide who you really are. (I hesitate to use a phrase like 'who you really are, because I don't really believe there's even such a thing) If I'd gone to SJI instead I believe I'dve turned out alot differently, in a rather ironic sense. If I'd decided to play sports instead I'd have a rather different outlook on life. If I'd gone triple science I might've had much better results. If I'd gone after someone else... *shrugs*

Of course on hindsight it's easy to say that 'I could have taken that other choice' but ultimately there's no real way to figure out what would've happened if you had. The people that interest me the most tend to be the people I see glimpses of myself in, with more similarities than differences, but leading completely different lives. Ironically the person that best fits the description is the one person I've spent most of my life with - my brother. 17 years and I still find myself puzzled by his motivations, dreams and tastes. One minute he seems to be following the path I've taken, the other he stubbornly veers off in a completely different direction and forges his own life. It's... interesting, to see what he does. I'm not the kind of sibling that gives him good advice on life or anything. All I've done up til this point is tell him the choices I've taken and where they've gotten me, to see if he'd make the same choice.

It stands to reason in a rather ironic sense that the more time you spend with someone the less you understand them, at least for me, because I feel more and more that the person I understand the least is myself.

Easter

I think I am one of the few people that can walk into a church on Easter Sunday, walk out, and still feel as miserable.

I'm also finding it rather weird that only my non-Christian friends are SMS-ing me 'Happy Easter'. I can't see any reason why a non-Christian would even acknowledge Easter, there being no public holiday or any other reason to celebrate it. (Unless you're into eating rabbits. Which are actually rather good, after you get over the guilt)

The problem with trying not to use army as an excuse to get on with my life is that it's not entirely a baseless excuse.

Backdoor

Someone should educate the DotA community on the following:

a) Tunneling does NOT reduce Garena lag.
b) Backdooring is NOT by any means illegal. And don't even bitch about it being a 'cheap' way to win. There are no cheap ways to win.

There were actually alot more I wanted to say but since nobody reads this blog I shan't bother. Then again that's what I thought the last time too. Oops.

But seriously backdooring is the most awesome way to get things done. I backdoored into my primary school. I backdoored into RI. I backdoored to get my girlfriend. (metaphorically, and no not in THAT way) I backdoored into my current appointment in army. I've been backdooring all my life and I don't see any negative effects.

Backdooring = efficiency.

Confessional

Having dinner with Michelle yesterday kinda made me realise how much fun it is to talk to people and not have to worry about how anything you say might be taken the wrong way, misunderstood, or give offense. It makes conversation so much fun. And I am severely starved of that kind of conversation in my daily life 5 days a week.

I went for penitential service just now. (For the uninformed non-Catholics, that's like a confession mass. And I can't really be bothered to go any further) Going for confession always kinda sucked for me, because there's never any forgiveness if you're not really repentant, and if you're not confessing you're just saying how fucked up you are aloud to somebody, which will only make you feel worse, and you feel absolutely no absolution for your sins after that.

Today I confessed that I was running away from the love of others. Friends, family and especially God. The more love you show for me the more likely I am to not reciprocate it as well. I don't really know why, it's not like I'm scared to open up to people or anything. I think I just forgot how to be selfless a long time ago.

Typing the first line of the above paragraph kinda reminded me of a conversation in the mini-canteen from what seems like a lifetime ago, which went something like this:

Sarah: There are just some bible passages that I can't find any way to relate to my cell group about. Like the whole book of Jonah. I mean seriously who feels like they're running away from God?

Me: Every day.

And I still am.

Disconnected

There is nothing more depressing than reading blogs about the lives of your friends when you're stuck in a place with limited connection to the outside world. More and more I make the distinction between 'Camp' and 'Home', as if I'm living two different lives that have absolutely no connection with each other.

I don't even know why I do this. None of my camp friends know any of my friends from outside, (the one time I met up with camp people for an outing was a LAN session, which of course involved less interaction with people and more interaction with Gondar), and vice versa. I am also a completely different person inside camp. Can't really explain this but you might get what I mean.

Heh. Sounds kinda stupid, but two of the blogs I just read had pictures of the sky, and I suddenly had this feeling of a prisoner who only gets to see the sky in pictures from the outside world.

Idealism

It's one of those mornings where Iwake up early for something which gets cancelled, but since I'm awake it seems like too much of a waste to go back to sleep. I walk around the empty house wondering what to do and I guess I inevitably drift here. (Incidently, I'm starting to find my house an emptier and emptier place. It's... sad, somehow)

I saw Street Fighter and Watchmen yesterday, and I doubt many will agree with me when I say both were awesome movies in their own right. It's not that my tastes are getting superficial by enjoying a senseless beat-em-up film like the former. Movies are... pretty much the only way I get that kind of thing these days. What rather amused me yesterday was the amount of people in the cinema after the film bitching about how they'd just wasted $10 on the worst movie ever, and how it made a better parody then a film in its own right. Sometimes altering (not lowering) your expectations makes you a much happier person. There's nothing but the win to look forward to in Tekken, but you can lose a match in SF4 and still feel that pure unsupressed joy in connecting the Shinryuken, RD or Final Atomic Buster. I suppose that's why I still play games at this age. I don't play sheerly to win every match I enter, but neither do I play with a lacklustre attitude that makes me indifferent to the outcome. It isn't a job, nor is it a hobby. Its the small moments that come on a daily basis, sometimes so small that I barely acknowledge it, that make it all worth while. Same goes for music. Nothing else can replicate that. What you put in influences what you get.

Last night I questioned Rorschach's decision to die for what he believed in rather than live a lie he helped to perpetrate. Sure it's an age-old utilitarian millions-for-billions debate, where everybody has their own view on what's right or wrong. Actually no. Most people don't really know where they stand on this. I least of them. What we say hypothetically means nothing when we're not actually put in that situation. Rorschach understood very clearly where he stood, and he died, as far as the world was concerned, a meaningless death. Sure there's that notion of nobility, martyrdom in dying for what you believe in. I think I'm oversimplifying Rorschach's psyche in this case, but it's to make a point. I woke up this morning wondering if I was still like that. Stubborn, uncompromising and more willing to die than accept a different way of life than what I believed in. I suppose that's how people still see me. It's too daunting an image to shatter anymore. But now I have a decision to stop fighting needlessly and just go along with the current, and go into something that I never believed before two weeks ago that I could do. I'd like to believe that I've stood up too long when standing wasn't easy, and maybe it's time to shelve that self-destructive pride and lie down for a bit. It... doesn't really mean that I'm betraying what I believe in, the very fact that I made the decision to flow with the current as opposed to those who just get sucked in by it makes a difference. Or at least, I'd hope so. You could argue that the end result is still the same, that an accountant is an accountant. But then again, I'm not making that decision for You now, am I?

A good game isn't measured by a win or loss, kills or deaths, points or goals. It's measured by the feeling of doing all you can with what you have, regardless of the outcome. And at the end of the day if you find that it wasn't enough it will never exactly be the best feeling in the world. But there is sweetness in bittersweet, if you choose to taste it that way. And I suppose there is joy to be found in everything, if you choose to look for it.

Crisis

Zomg Accountancy identity crisis how how how?

I feel like I'd be selling my soul if I went to study Accountancy.

Haha I'm really glad I watched 'Push' instead of Watchmen. It's seriously awesome, in a if-you-don't-give-a-shit-about-plot-coherence-and-normal-movie-stuff and just enjoy awesome people acting cool for an hour and half kinda way.

I think... I'm starting to want slightly less depth, and more superficiality in my life.

Exercise

I am marginally surprised to find that I'm actually fitter than I thought I was. Which proves that I don't need constant exercise to keep fit! Hurray.

These last 4 days I've actually felt what it's like to live a normal life. God knows how much I miss it. And I've actually managed to fill each day with rather meaningful activities, which gives a rather strange sense of accomplishment even though all I kinda really wanted was to spend a whole day doing my own things at home.

On a completely seperate note, I think irrational people irritate me so much because they cause me to become irrational as well in order to deal with them.

... Which only irritates me even more.

Millionaire

So I managed to watch Slumdog Millionaire last night and I guess I wasn't in that cynical of a mood to enjoy it. It kinda made me feel that this is what Disney movies should be about, not all that crap about teenagers singing and dancing everywhere they can. The ending dance sequence was pretty cool too, actually.

There's something to be said about living with whatever little you have. Sure it's nice to be well-off and have everything you need at your fingertips, but there's this... certain thrill that comes with making the most out of what you have, and fashioning makeshift things to slowly build your way up to the top.

Leader of Men

It occurs to me that I make a pretty bad leader. Most of my life I've avoided the major responsibility of taking charge of things either due to apathy or laziness, and I always believed that even if I did take the reins I'd still be able to do a pretty decent job of leading people to do something.

I suppose I always assumed leadership was purely about the decision making, which spans from playing too many strategy games. Dragoons move here, Zealots rush there, Templars go in and rape the shit out of everyone. When everything moves according to how I want it to, things tend to go in rather positive directions. Sure it doesn't mean that everything will go according to plan, but at least you can predict the outcomes and try your best to pull something good out of every situation.

Problem is, Zeus never says 'no'. Lina never gets distracted by boys during a fight, and Gondar never lacks motivation to run down somebody for the kill. There's this... instinctive frustration in me, when I'm in a position of leadership and things arn't going to way I asked it to, and not because of unpredictable external factors. I lack the... motivational ability that my mom teaches, and the reason why I never believed in it was because it never worked for me. Hence, the only motivational technique I know is the one that DID work for me, which apparently, doesn't seem to do much for anyone else.

Which... is starting to be a problem, I suppose.

Indestructible

There is something rather therapeutic about playing drums loudly at 10 in the morning. Nobody can complain because nobody's supposed to be sleeping at that time anyway.

Every day should start to Guns and Roses.

The World Ends With Me.

I think I'm learning more. About myself, about others, and about how things work in general. At least I hope so.

I'd be the first to admit that I didn't really achieve anything last year. I spent most of the time wallowing in self-pity and loathing the situation that I was stuck in. Hell it's still quite alot of effort to not slip back into that state again. But what I did get out of last year was a far better realisation of myself, something clearer than I've ever seen in the mirror. I know now what drives me, and what I want out of life. The answers were, as always, there all along, it just took me some time to find it.

So that brings us to this year. If last year was intelligence gathering then this year's when the operation takes place. (Zomg army metaphor) It's started out pretty well, things are actually moving in certain directions now, rather than me just thinking about things all the time as usual. I guess now it's just up to how much I want to succeed to see how they go. If I'd a new year's resolution it would be to not regret another year of lost opportunities come Christmas.

In the grand scheme of things, I don't really matter. Nothing of which I do will be of very much great impact to society in any way, I think. But to me, everything I do matters. My world started with me, and my world will end where I want it to.

"The sky's not the limit. You are.'

Stress Fracture

You know, someone once said a little bit of stress was good for me.

I suppose I agree, considering I go through a large majority of my life without it. But there's also the added problem of me not dealing with it very well. Not on a personal level, but I think other people are starting to suffer from it. Oh well. Not like they're helping anyway.

Badger

'I am writing a treatise just now,' said the badger, coughing diffidently to show that he was absolutely set upon explaining it, 'which is to point out why Man has become the master of all animals. Perhaps you would like to hear that?'

...

'People often ask as an idle question whether the process of evolution began with the chicken or the egg. Was there an egg out of which the first chicken came, or did a chicken lay the first egg? I am in a position to state that the first thing created was the egg.'
'When God had manufactured all the eggs out of which the fishes and the serpents and the birds and the mammals and even that duck-billed platypus would eventually emerge, he called the embryos before him, and saw that they were good.'
'Perhaps I ought to explain,' added the badger, lowering his papers nervously and looking at the Wart over the top of them, 'that all embryos look very much the same. They are what you are before you are born, and, whether you are going to be a tadpole or a peacock or a camelopard or a man, when you are an embryo you look just like a perculiarly repulsive and helpless human being. I continue as follows:
'The embryos stood up in front of God, with their feeble hands clasped politely over their stomachs and their heavy heads hanging down respectfully, and God adressed them.
'He said: Now, you embryos, here you are, all looking exactly the same, and We are going to give you the choice of what you are going to be. When you grow up you will get bigger anyway, but We are pleased to grant you another gift as well. You may alter any parts of yourselves into anything which you think would be useful to you in after life. For instance, at the moment you can't dig. Anybody who would like to turn his hands into a pair of spades or garden forks is allowed to do so. Or, to put it another way, at present you can only use your mouths for eating with. Anybody who would like to use his mouth as an offensive weapon, can change it by asking, and be a corkindrill or a saber-toothed tiger. Now then, step up and choose your tools, but remember that what you choose you will grow into, and will have to stick to.'
'All the embryos thought the matter over politely, and then, one by one, they stepped up before the eternal throne. They were allowed two or three specializations, so that some chose to use their arms as flying machines and their mouths as weapons, or crackers, or drillers, or spoons, while others selected to use their bodies as boats and their hands as oars. We badgers thought very hard and decided to ask for three boons. We wanted to change our skins for shields, our mouths for weapons, and our arms for garden forks. These boons were granted to us. Everybody specialized in one way or another, and some of us in very queer ones. For instance, one of the lizards decided to swap his whole body for blotting-paper, and one of the toads who lived in the antipodes decided to simply be a water-bottle.
'The asking and granting took up two long days - they were the fifth and sixth, so far as I remember - and at the very end of the sixth day, just before it was time to knock off for Sunday, they had got through all the little embryos except one. This embryo was Man.
' "Well, Our little man," said God. 'You have waited till the last, and slept on your decision, and We are sure you have been thinking hard all the time. What can we do for you?'
' "Please, God," said the embryo, 'I think that You made me in the shape which I now have for reasons best known to Yourselves, and that it would be rude to change. If I am to have my choice I will stay just as I am. I will not alter any of the parts which You gave to me, for other and doubtless inferior tools, and I will stay a defenseless embryo all my life, doing my best to make unto myself a few feeble implements out of the wood, iron and other materials which you have seen fit to put before me. If I want a boat I will endeavour to construct it out of trees, and if I want to fly I will put together a chariot to do it for me. Probably I have been very silling in refusing to take advantage of Your kind offer, but I have done my best to think it over carefully, and now hope that the feeble decision of this small innocent will find favour with Yourselves."
' "Well done," exclaimed the Creator in delighted tones. 'Here all you embryos, come here with your beaks and what-nots to look upon Our first Man. He is the only one who has guessed Our riddle, out of all of you, and We have great pleasure in conferring upon him the Order of Dominion over the Fowls of the Air, and the Beasts of the Earth, and the Fishes of the Sea. Now let the rest of you get along, and love and multiply, for it is time to knock off for the week-end. As for you, Man, you will be a naked tool all your life, though a user of tools: you will look like an embryo till they bury you, but all others will be embryos before your might; eternally undeveloped, you will always remain potential in Our image, able to see some of Our sorrys and feels some of Our joys. We are partly sorry for you, Man, and partly happym but always proud. Run along then, Man, and do your best. And listen, Man, before you go...'
' "Well?" asked Adam, turning back from his dismissal.
' "We were only going to say," said God shyly, twisting Their hands together. "Well, We were just going going to say, God bless you." '

- The Sword in the Stone.

On an entirely seperate note, am I the only one who doesn't know the existence of badgerbadgerbadger.com?

Education

'The best thing for disturbances of the spirit,' replied Merlyn, beginning to buff and blow, 'is to learn. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love or lose your moneys to a monster, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honor trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then - to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the poor mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the thing for you. Look at what a lot of things there are to learn - pure science, the only purity there is. You can learn astronomy in a lifetime, natural history in three, literature in six. And then, after you have exhausted a milliard lifetimes in biology and medicine and theo-criticism and geography and history and economics, why, you can start to make a cartwheel out of appropriate wood, or spend fifty years learning to begin to beat your adversary in fencing. After that you can start again on mathematics, until it is time to learn to plow.'

- The Sword In The Stone

Hero

'If I were to be made a knight,' said the Wart, staring dreamily into the fire,
...
'I should pray to God to let me encounter all the evil in the world in my own person, so that if I conquered there should be none left, while if I were defeated, it would be I who would suffer for it.'
'That would be extremely presumptious of you', said Merlyn, 'and you would be conquered, and you would suffer for it.'
'I shouldn't mind'
'Wouldn't you? Wait till it happens and see.'
'Why do people not think, when they are grown up, as I do when I am young?'
'Oh dear,' said Merlyn. 'You are making me feel confused. Suppose you wait till you are grown up and know the reason?'
'I don't think that is an answer at all,' replied the Wart, pretty justly.
Merlyn wrung his hands.
'Well, anyway,' he said. 'Suppose they didn't let you stand against all the evil in the world?'
'I could ask,' said the Wart.
'You could ask,' repeated Merlyn.

- The Sword In The Stone

Of Men and Sports

It's kinda amusing how everyone turns into tennis experts when Federer plays Nadal. Or soccer experts at the World Cup Final.

That being said, it was still a pretty nice match to watch at a place where alot more was expected, which also made me realise I'm a Federer fan, although I've never really given much thought to the subject. Heh.

Juvenile

I actually have noticed that most of the other people in Singapore using a Nintendo DS are around the age of 10 and usually female.

Nobody Wins

I just got a 'Happy New Year' message from my boss. Weird.

Anyway I just watched Red Cliff 2 today, which has got to be at least the second best chinese movie I've ever watched. Not only does it rack up the highest body count I've seen in recent movies, it also manages to sustain a plot while doing so. Only John Woo could've pulled that off. In fact, he somehow manages to produce more explosions in a medieval setting movie than all 3 Mission Impossibles combined. How godly is that.

Furthermore there were so many imba (translated) quotes, such as :

'Knowing a trifle about everything gives life more colour' - Zhuge Liang

and

'Your stupidity is trivial, but it has caused my stupidity' - Cao Cao

But aside from that it really is a great movie. I feel kinda sad that Cao Cao's always depicted as the villain in most modern interpretations of the story. I remember when I first read the book (or was forced to read it) when I was 10, and while I heartily supported the efforts of Liu Bei and Zhuge Liang I also remember being slightly confused at how the drama was being played out. So I asked my tutor at the time who the real good and bad guys were in the story, and she told me that there wern't any, which was at the time a rather novel idea. I doubt I totally understood the concept at the time though. But it still left a sufficient enough memory to last til today, which I suppose means something.

Fault

Blaming other people is silly, because there's nothing you can do to change them.

Problems get solved much easier if you assume everything is your responsibility, and try and work from there.

Overplayed

Looks like I threw the Kings out too early.

Don't know what made me think nobody was looking, but this is a reminder (hopefully not a painful one) to keep my own ass covered.

And wait patiently for that Ace.

Commisionned

I like this feeling. The feeling just after you accept some quest that's bound to give you tons of xp, and the anticipation of all the challenges that's to come.

Let's hope it doesn't disappoint.

Pick-Up Sticks

Proof that everything in life, no matter how convoluted, can always be seperated bit by bit as long as you're patient enough.

And you have the right technique, of course.

A Rather Simple Question

that shouldn't have a simple answer.

How do you meet people who are worth meeting?

Mortal

Man.

I hate not having the moral high ground.

Heh.

Stay Home

My two closest friends both went clubbing last night (seperately), while I stayed at home and dota-ed. One had fun and one didn't. Which I suppose means that there was 50% chance that I could've been having fun if I had gone.

I'm getting too good at rationalising why I shouldn't do things that are out of my usual zone.

Shift

There's... a slight subtle change in the winds. Things are moving. The pawns are all dead now and the real game is just beginning.

I havn't had this much fun in a year.

Why So?

Sometimes it's funny how something really small and stupid can hit you when you're feeling all... upset over something that just makes you laugh and realise you shouldn't take things so seriously.

Then of course it just goes away and you go back to whatever it was that was bothering you in the first place.

I remember why I stopped watching TV of all kinds. I'm one of those people that can't watch tv shows without feeling emotionally attached to the show in some way. (Surprise, why do you think I don't let YOU watch so much) It's... unhealthy, and kinda stupid, and ruins your day for no reason at all.

Except that there isn't much else to do in here.

Covetous

While reading about two of my friends just now there was this rather... unbecoming feeling that arose in me. Which is different from the usual unbecoming feelings that usually float around in my head already, this was one that wasn't so regular, but nonetheless familiar.

I envied them. Not in a... 'Wow what you have is nice go ahead and enjoy it anyway' kind of way, but more like a 'You people don't deserve what you have at all, and I want it' kind of feeling. Which is, of course, not very nice.

Then again, I suppose, neither am I.

You know, it's kinda unfair how thinking good things are never enough to make you a good person unless you act upon it, but just the thought of sin is enough to condemn you.

Seven

I watched Seven Pounds today. Maybe I was tired and overly emotional but it had quite a large impact on me. The whole... wanting to make people's lives better in some way. Coupled with the Heroes episodes I've been spamming over the last couple of days. I used to be like that, a long time ago. Or what seems like a long time ago.

Or was I?

The problem with altruism is that it's so easy to find an ulterior motive for every act of kindness you do. Whether it's to elevate other's opinion of you, or that 'feel-good' emotion you get, or just to get some chick to think you're a genuinely nice guy, all these could be used as reasons for all things good. I suppose that's what the Devil wants you to think, but then again he can't tell you which one it really is either.

New Year, New Blog

Because it's time for me to acknowledge that change is good.

Blogger was being incredibly annoying and refusing to allow me to import my belovedly ugly old template over, citing many XML discrepencies in the HTML source code. Which comes as no surprise considering I wrote it myself 5 years ago.

So I suppose the reason for the new blog has to do with what passes for a New Year's Resolution (zomg caps) for me, which is to blog as often as possible.

And as for the url, it occurs to me it's better to have a cool-in-a-secondary-school-way yet lame title than a emo AND lame title.