Decrepit

I... don't really know what it means when I come back from gatherings like today, and just feel this empty feeling somewhere inside me as I say the last goodbye. It's... the same feeling as when I leave church, and there's that proverbial gap in my heart that's Jesus-shaped, made all the more painful by the knowledge that I got what I chose.

When the different personas I use start to creep into my subconscious and fight for control, I start to... lose the memory of who I started out as, who I'm really supposed to be. There's an old... Caamassi (I think I spelt that wrongly) saying - 'When the wind no longer calls your name, perhaps it is because you no longer know who you are', and I think I've reached that point many years ago. The solution was to step back and remember the last time from which you knew who you were, and start anew from that point. But I think I've reached a stage where memories of the past are so... conflicting that I can't even tell which feelings were genuine, if there were any in the first place. Hell I can't even tell which of my feelings now are genuine.

And if I try to start from how people perceive me... I don't know. I think some of my closest friends believe I am morally decrepit enough to cheat on my girlfriend behind her back, and I honestly can't say I blame them for thinking that. It's the... persona that they've seen for the last... 3-5 years, and it's all they know of me so... it's understandable. Again, one of those things made all the more painful by the fact that I chose this persona. Why? I can't remember, if ever I even had a good enough reason to.

Seeing happiness in others used to make me happy as well. Even if I had nothing to do with that happiness there was at least this small joy in knowing that the people you care about, no matter what problems they're having, can still put a smile on their faces when meeting you. Now... it still makes me happy, but there's this small sadness again. Sigh.