Fear -> Anger

I got angry twice in two days now. Surprisingly it had nothing to do with army, at least not directly. But in a sense the struggles from the week follow me around, somewhat unconsciously. It's not healthy, and I don't really like it. Anger makes you do and say things that will induce people to say 'RJ students got no EQ'. I don't think I've ever done something stupid while angry before. Logic still rules, for the most part. All it makes me do is say things without regard to how other people will react.

There's a saying that goes 'Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate .... '. It's interesting on the latter that anger and hate are actually two seperate things. I would go so far as to say that hate isn't an emotion, but a choice, somewhat like love. Even though I guess we use both words interchangeably in daily life there's actually a difference. Hate you can control, anger not so much. But that's a story for another time.

This is actually helping. Writing. Constructing rational arguments.

Most of my anger is based on fear. Fear at not being able to do achieve what I want. Fear of failing. Army can make me angry because it taps on my fear of not being in control. Which isn't so bad, but it goes one step further to take control away from you, even of the simple things in life like when to eat and sleep. My parents are actually the primary cause of most of my anger because they keep nagging/poking me regarding the things that I worry about daily. (Relationships, Future, Things-that-parents-decide-to-take-responsibility-for etc.) And it doesn't help, at all.

Same goes for driving. I'm scared shitless when I get behind the wheel everytime, which I combat as usual with a flippant attitude. Deep down there's this fear that something might go wrong and I'd kill myself and someone else, and it may not even have been my fault. It doesn't help that every time I get behind the wheel I have someone shouting instructions from my left. Note: do not ever backseat, or passsenger seat drive. All you do is irritate the driver.

When you get angry you need outlets, before it becomes energy destructive to yourself and those around you. And when I say energy I really do mean it in its fullest sense. The last good example of when I converted anger into energy was during the BMT 24km Route March. It still amazes me til today that I got through it. But anyway I reached a point where happy thoughts wern't enough to sustain me, which was when I decided to let anger at things drive my to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It wasn't fun, and I actually fell sick after doing that, and also after another incident, so it's not really healthy either. But yea it works. Mostly I get outlets in the form of games, music, and rarely, sports. But as long as the energy goes somewhere that doesn't affect people it's fine.

Tired now. Anger does that to you. Sigh.