Crazy Like A Tiger

There's something extremely cathartic about driving down the expressway at over 120, with your windows down and rock music blasting all the way. It's not so much about the adrenaline rush that comes at high speeds, although that is pretty enjoyable in itself.

I think it has more to do with the fact that at that speed which you're not really used to, everything becomes a potential threat to your continued existence. Hence the only thing that will keep you alive is the concentration of your mind on the road and its hazards, and the willingness of your body to cooperate to instructions. I don't think I'm a thrill seeker in that respect, nor do I get any sort of pleasure from walking close to the edge of a cliff. It's the mental challenge that appeals to me, with the added pressure of the very real consequences should I fail.

This could also be a very good allegory for my life, but let's not go there.

Shield Skills

Just like Cap

Fear Itself

I hate this period of time. The few days before I go back to Sydney. It's not like I'm dreading the return, quite the contrary actually. I treat the school term like a holiday, a chance for me to catch up on the sleep debt I've been racking up over the break, and to (I use this in the most ironic sense) 'get away from it all'.

No, it's similar to the 'book-in feeling', i.e. the feeling one gets when it's Sunday afternoon. It's not quite time to start worrying and packing, but it's not so far away that you can plan interesting activities to fill up your time with. I've actually got a list of errands I wrote down at the start of the break that I never got around to doing, which are likely going to be pushed forward to the next break, but we'll see. It's still morning.

I wonder if it's possible for something previously conquered to come back and kick you in the ass, specifically a fear. I was always/still am afraid of a lot of things. From fears that have physical manifestations like heights, the dark, bugs, water and the like to slightly more abstract fears, like failure, embarrassment and other such insecurities. Since I was a child I've been struggling to not be conquered by these fears, hence forcing myself to overcome them by focusing on something I enjoyed that naturally clashed with my fears.

For example when I was a kid I loved to climb stuff. Still do actually. I have fond memories of the various artificial rock walls I've scaled in various gyms and camps, and more so of the natural rock wall in Krabi, Thailand that my family once went to for a holiday. The joy of moving vertically up pretty much overrode all other concerns at that point, from the numerous cuts on my palms from climbing, to the fact that I was easily more than 10 meters above the ground.

And yet... I don't think the fear ever went away, rather it was pushed to the back of my mind by more pressing concerns. I once forced myself to sleep alone on the couch downstairs when I was a kid in the dark, and yet at this age when I go downstairs in the middle of the night I still bring my phone as a sort of flashlight.

So I guess I am still afraid of all these things, even though I've learned that I can function despite these fears if there is a pressing enough need. And these are just the physical fears, many other things in my life that I'm afraid of arn't worth mentioning here. I KNOW I can get over these fears if I need to, but then I wonder why I sit at the bottom of roller coasters not daring to go up. Maybe it's the lack of purpose that makes me unwilling to take the effort to overcome the fear, I don't know. But the problem is every time I decide to give in to the fear the question of whether or not I'll be able to conquer it when the time comes becomes ever more pressing.

I would very much like to believe in absolutes in life. Unshakable pillars of belief that I can hold on to no matter what. And yet I'm coming to understand that ever pillar I build blocks a small angle of view around me, and closes me off from the world just a little bit more. I don't believe that there are absolute truths in life, but nor do I believe that life is an ever-changing entity. The truths and mysteries in life are what you define them to be. If God is your truth then there is a pillar in your life. And pillars are good... sometimes. Life as an infinite mystery is far more... appealing, to a part of me.

But it comes down to fear, still. We build pillars and walls and fortresses because we are afraid of the unknown. This is a concept that is pretty popular nowadays, that people fear what they do not understand. Cliched as it is there is a great deal of truth in it. I would very much like to embrace the unknown without fear, and not shy away from something just because I do not understand it. I think then fear can have been said to be conquered ... intellectually.

Intellectually I know that the likelihood of there being monsters in the dark, of me falling off a roller-coaster, or of drowning in a swimming pool is insignificantly minute. And yet I am in the end just another person, and fears are not the result of a rational process. I recognise this and still I move on, afraid still, but with the knowledge that the fear will lessen with every step I take.

Self-Glorification

Because I'm actually really good at this game.

Dubstep

Listening to various dubstep remixes of your favourite songs can do weird things to your brain.

Also, I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but people who label their personal covers of songs as 'OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO' should just go and die. I've lost count of the number of times over this week that I've expected Muse/Kanye/Big Bang goodness and instead ended up watching an overweight ugly-ass white/chinese/pinoy (because seriously who else does shit like that) person with (and it is ALWAYS) a guitar.

All In

I had... another one of those reflective dreams last night. It involved me and my best friend who was apparently Barney Stinson. Barney and I were playing in the World Series of Poker, and we found ourselves on the same table on the first day. We were like talking to each other and just enjoying the game when I think there was a hand where he was dealt pocket Jacks and I was dealt pocket 5s. Somehow we both knew what each other had, but I called anyway just to see if either of us would hit.

The flop comes J 5 4, and... basically there's this guy across the table who's raising pretty heavily into the two of us. For some reason I'm still calling all the way through the turn and river, which are blanks. Then the guy raises all in, and it's my decision first as to whether or not to call. For some reason even knowing that my best friend is behind me with a far better hand, I still decide to go all in with my inferior set of 5s. Barney then deliberates for ages before he folds his trip Jacks, and I win this enormous pot because the other guy was bluffing. I build a pretty monster chip stack and go on to win the entire World Series, but I remember feeling after I'd won that it was a pretty hollow win, because I knew I didn't deserve to get anywhere near that far due to how I played. My friend who gave up his tournament for me was nowhere to be found, and I was left pretty much alone with the money and the bracelet. I remember the rest of my life passing as a blur in the dream, where I became one of the top pros in the casinos and at the same time estranged from friends and family.

I'm not so far removed from my literary background that I can't see the deep inner fear that my dream was trying to reveal to me. But neither am I naive enough to drop poker or any other of my 'trivial' personal pursuits. I guess though it's important every now and then to be pulled back down to earth and reminded about the importance of companionship and friends that has to come hand in hand with chasing personal excellence. I refuse to believe the two are mutually exclusive events; to me having friends without achievements would always leave me with a great sense of wondering 'what could have been', and having achievements without friends (and Barney Stinson) to share it with would feel equally, if not more hollow.

I suppose nothing in my life's really going to change from this, be kinda stupid if it did anyway. But this reminder came at a pretty important time, and will not go completely ignored either. A change of mindset, perhaps, but not really either. Oh and I guess I'll think twice about playing pocket 5s from now on.

Quite Interesting

Something rather disturbing has happened as a result of watching episodes of QI as a break from studying. I find now that Stephen Fry's voice is the narrator of my Statistics Notes. Which somehow makes it funny.

Did two and a half and couldn't get up

I'm so unfit now.

Hulk Smash

There's a new phenomenon on the streets of Singapore that's annoying me, which is people who put the Autobot/Decepticon logos on their cars. Now i'm not a Transformers fan on any level, nor a Megan Fox fan for that matter. But seriously? Transformers are totally not cool can. If nothing else, I'm pretty sure no transformer would ever take the form of your Toyota Camry.

... You know when I say things like that to my parents they think I'm really pissed off about it and they tell me to calm down. They should see how other people my age talk/write/blog about stuff that annoys them. This is... mild.

Anger seems to be such a... juvenile thing, at this age. (Mature liao leh)

Expert Leadership

I was at Woodgrove Secondary School yesterday, helping my mom set up for one of her training courses. It's a neighbourhood school by anybody's definition, not just mine. And yet I found myself being suitably impressed by the school in it's entirety. Not the students, God forbid. But more on the management side, and the general friendliness of the staff.

When we arrived there was someone (think it was the VP) to direct us into the carpark even though we were a good 4-5 hours earlier than when the 'distinguished guests' were supposed to arrive. He brought us to the event room, offered us both mechanical and personnel assistance in carrying equipment up and told us to come find him if ever in need. My mom remarked to me on the side that this was somewhat rare, most schools find her an annoyance that they try to ignore as far as possible.

As we were setting up the various service staff in the school came up to the room to volunteer their help in their areas of expertise, and then some. The maintenance techs helped me to set up the projecter screen and move ALOT of furniture, the cleaning lady offered to iron our table cloths and wash our fruits for us, even the principal came by with fruit juice and coffee. Lunch was provided courtesy of the canteen below and while I do acknowledge that my expectations of food that comes in a box isn't very high courtesy of SFI, it was some of the best Nasi Lemak I'd ever eaten.

I see helpful people around in my life and appreciate them, but never once have I seen a collection of such an exemplary service culture in a non-religious setting. Come to think of it I've seen less welcoming/friendly churches. My mother says that their previous principal went on to work in her organisation, and set a sort of service culture that she passed down to the next generation, which has penetrated right down the rungs of the school heirachy. When she left her legacy continued, and while I don't really know how she and her sucessor did it, the results of their leadership and attitude were clear to be seen.

I never actually believed that a good leader could inspire that kind of a +3 to morale reaction in people, and yet I saw a community that was warm and friendly to us even though we made them go out of their way and their usual jobscope with no additional benefits to them. It wasn't even in that army way of pretending to put on your best behaviour when outsiders visit the camp, this was genuine. It couldn't have been a coincidence.

Go look up Woodgrove Secondary School. It's tucked away in the top corner of Singapore, pretty much forgotten by society. It's less than 10 minutes from the Causeway. If I had to go to that school under any capacity I would be annoyed at the very least on a good day at the travel time. And I was sick yesterday. Yet somehow these people either don't seem to care, or better yet have come to embrace their friends and colleagues in that community, and left such a good impression on people who's opinion should hardly have mattered to them anyway.

There were more examples of the 'no wrong door' concept that my mother was talking about, and though I don't think I did them justice thus far I'll leave it at this. Suffice to say that I was impressed, touched even, something that doesn't happen that often anymore.

Vision of the Future

It is time to let the waters of the past flow away to distant shores. Though never to be forgotten, those friends long gone must not haunt my thoughts all the day and night. They will be there, I take comfort in knowing, ready to smile whenever my mind's eye seeks that comforting sight, .. ready to remind me of my folly when I cannot see that which is right before me, and ready, ever ready, to make me smile, to warm my heart.

..

'Live your life in segments,' a wise elf once told me. ...

...

It was what it is to be alive, for though this exercise is most poignant and necessary in those races living long, even the short-lived humans divide their lives into segments, though they rarely recognise the transient truth as they move through one or another stage of their existence. Every person I have known tricks himself into thinking that this current way of things will continue on, year after year. It is so easy to speak of expectations, of what will be in a decade, perhaps, and to be convinced that the important aspects of one's life will remain as they are, or will improve as desired.

'This will be my life in a year!'
'This will be my life in five years!'
'This will be my life in ten years!'

We all tell ourselves these hopes and dreams and expectations, and with conviction, for the goal is needed to faciliate the journey. But in the end of that span, be it one or five or ten or fifty years hence, it is the journey and not the goal, achieved or lost, that defines who we are. The journey is the story of our life, not the achievement or failure at its end, and so the more important declaration by far, I have come to know is, 'This is my life now.'

- Drizzt Do'Urden, Gauntlgrym

Specter of the Past

I've been having a string of dreams lately, about running into old friends, and finding out certain things about them. Some good, some not so.

I wonder if anyone else looks at a half-forgotten friend's name when they scroll through their phonebook, and thinks of giving them a call. Or initiating a conversation with one through MSN. I wouldn't know about the latter, but the former is someting that keeps coming up. Another reason why I refuse Facebook is that it gives the illusion of connectivity - you FEEL like you're keeping in touch with all your old friends and the updates in their lives, but in reality all you're getting are the scraps from their tables. There's no substitute for a nice dinner, or a drink at a bar or a Starbucks and good old-fashioned conversation.

Distance now bring a problem in maintaining past relationships, at least for me, I try to maintain email contact with my closest friends overseas. Every morning I wake up and I draft replies to anybody who's replied me the previous night, or make a mental note to type one later. It doesn't take up alot of my time, and yet people seem... reluctant to reciprocate. But instead of pointing fingers I look inwards and realise that it's not as easy as I make it sound. Sometimes my emails consist of one-liners and comments that don't easily create a response. Maybe I'm not asking the right questions, or talking about things relevant to my friend's lives. Perhaps they really are alot busier than I am. (I recognise that the amount of time a day I spend staring at the computer screen is far more than the average person)

My best friend (one of the few readers of this blog, albeit on a rather sporadic basis) is somebody that I don't have an email thread with, and our interactions have been somewhat limited over the past few months. I sense that his life is moving onto other things (not for me to judge better or worse) and the lack of a part of it makes me feel ... I wouldn't say sad, just... I dunno, remiss?

Alot of things can change in a short period of time. People would say that drifting apart is the natural order of things as people move on, and create new relationships and explore new possibilities. I refuse to accept that. There's alot of my innate autism in this, I recognise, but it's not like I havn't tried to move on. My attempt has created some friendships, perhaps some that might even one day be as strong as the ones that I'm desperately trying to hold on to. But it doesn't mean I'm so easily willing to let go of the relationships I once had with people.

And in the process of looking forward I think to myself why not look back as well? How hard could it possibly be to reconnect to someone in your past without the aid/handicap of Facebook? A combination of dreams and reality have shown me that the process is not always a happy one. Sometimes you might not even like what you see in them anymore. Like finding out an old crush is actually lesbian now.

... Wait a minute.

Rape By Fence

I remember how back in the old days with fellow Arts Students we used to diss the Science and Maths students for having no creativity, and generally looking down upon what we perceived to be their general disinterest in the Arts and dislike for all things impractical.

And now being on the other side of the fence I realise that Science/Maths nerds make similar, if not the exact same comments about the people on the Arts side as well. It's... kind of ironic, and abit sad at the same time.

I wonder where the mutual emnity stems from. Possibly from an inability to comprehend, which transforms into a subconscious impairing of one's innate ability in the other field. I still believe everyone has the capacity to do both Arts and Sciences, but in labelling yourself as an 'Arts' or a 'Maths' person, you automatically close off the side of your brain that was capable of appreciating literary genius, or solving a differential equation.

I don't particularly identify myself with either side, and I'm pretty sure neither side would identify me as one of them either. But I guess I far prefer it this way. It's difficult though, to... keep up with one half when you're immersed in the other. At least back in JC all of us still had to do Math, but there was still a certain joy this semester when I pushed out a 1.5k word essay in an afternoon without any research.

A Life of a Zergling

I had a really weird dream last night.

There's this old Chinese parable about how an old master gathers his 12 disciples one day and gives them each a chopstick. He asks them to break it, which they do easily. Then he gives them each another chopstick but instead asks them to put all 12 together in a bundle. He asks them to try to break the bundle, and the obviously can't. The moral of the story here being strength in numbers blah blah blah. If you don't know this story you obviously wern't paying attention in Primary school Chinese.

So in my dream last night I'm a zergling. And I have 11 other zergling disciples, and we have a zergling master. Our master gives us each a chopstick to break, which we do easily. However when we make the bundle our master takes it, and snaps it with ease as well. Then he says to us something along the lines of 'Yall go alone, yall die. Yall 12 all go together still die'.

... The moral of the story here I'm supposing is don't build zerglings.

STML

Don't you just hate it when you think of something awesome to Wiki while in the shower, but by the time you get back to your computer you've forgotten what it was, or worse, forgotten entirely about it?

Rage @ Meiji

Eh Linus and XR, and any other Law people that still come here, can I sue Meiji for false advertising if I keep finding damn Hello Pandas with no filling inside?

Cheat My Feelings

There's no incident that more accurately embodies the title phrase than biting into a Hello Panda and finding NO CHOCOLATE INSIDE.

Similarities

Came across this article comparing Street Fighter and Poker. If nothing else, it's a fascinating comparison.

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The Evolution 2010 Season Wrap-up

Part 1 - The Fighting Game Boom

Except this year, I'm doing things differently. Normally, what I did in the past wrap ups, as mentioned earlier, was discuss each community individually and talk about the strengths and weaknesses of each individual community from what I observed. This year, however, I think it would be a mistake to do such a thing. And the reason for this is because, this year above all other years, we need to focus not on the individual communities, but the Fighting Game Community as a whole. And that's because this year, the Fighting Game Community may have taken its first steps into becoming something much bigger.

Let's just cut to the chase, first and foremost. Street Fighter IV has changed everything. What this game and Super Street Fighter IV have done to the Fighting Game Community cannot be denied. One main reason that it's not proper to focus on the communities of Marvel Vs. Capcom 2, Tatsunoko Vs. Capcom, Melty Blood, Tekken, and Super Street Fighter II: HD Remix is because, quite simply put, these communities are overshadowed by the sheer size and power of the Street Fighter IV community. And while this may make some of these other communities upset to hear me say this, especially because some members of these communities look down on Street Fighter IV, I think communities need to look at the positives that Street Fighter IV has been bringing the Fighting Game Community as a whole.

Whenever I talk about the Fighting Game Community to friends and where it needs to go and how it needs to grow, the topic of poker always comes up. Of any mainstream gaming communities that exist today, the Poker Community is the one that I feel as though the Fighting Game Community needs to follow and emulate as much as possible. There are many facets that can provide similarities between the communities, but the reason I bring this up today is because I feel as though the way Chris Moneymaker's win in 2003 initiated the Poker Boom, Evolution 2010 may have been the closest thing we've yet seen to achieving a similar boom. And it's all a direct result of Street Fighter IV's immense popularity.

You see, Chris Moneymaker was an unknown player. He was what we would refer to, in the Fighting Game Community, as a "newb." But he got entry into the World Series of Poker by winning a satellite tournament and proceeded to not only win the Main Event as the World Series of Poker, but to do so by taking down veteran professional player Sam Farha heads-up at the final table. After Chris won, everyone believed they could also win. And thus: the Poker Boom. Though a similar situation where a "newb" has taken down a pro hasn't happened in the Fighting Game Community, the huge increase of players at events like Evolution from one year to the next upon Street Fighter IV's release was very similar to the increase of players at the World Series of Poker the following year after Moneymaker won.

Now, I dunno about most of you people, but before the Poker Boom, poker was one thing to me: people sitting in a smoke-filled room asking for more cards and trying to bluff each other. Whenever you saw poker on TV shows or in movies, it was always the same format: each player is dealt 5 card hands and they are allowed a maximum of 3 cards for redraw. Texas Hold-Em was a version of the game I had never heard of even though it had been the Main Event at the World Series of Poker since forever.

After the Poker Boom, Texas Hold-Em was the main form of poker played. Even TV and movies began to reflect that. Casino Royale -- the recent James Bond film -- for example, had a plot that revolved around Texas Hold-Em. Without the Poker Boom, they probably would have played the same 5 card style of poker that we had seen in TV shows and movies for forever. Hell, they might have even just played Baccarat, the game that was originally played in the book.

Since Moneymaker's win in 2003, Texas Hold-Em has exploded. Everyone plays that version in home games, and when you hear "poker," Texas Hold-Em is now the first game you think of. Even your average joe pictures Texas Hold-Em as what poker is now. But here's the question: are there other versions of poker? Are there even more skilled versions of poker out there, that rely less on luck and require more knowlege and skill?

The answer to both of those questions is "Yes." There are tons of poker versions out there, and many of them do require stronger knowledge and take away some of the luck. There's Omaha High-Low, Stud Eight or Better, Razz, and on and on. Heck, there's even huge differences between tournament play and cash game play. Some formats are more skilled, some are less skilled, but none are as popular as tournament Texas Hold-Em. But here's the question: do you think fans of these other versions are frustrated that Texas Hold-Em is the most popularly played poker format out there?

Maybe. But most of them more than likely have accepted Texas Hold-Em as the main format in the poker world. In the mid 2000's, when ESPN showed the World Series of Poker, they used to televise many different games. They showed the Omaha games, the Stud Eight or Better games, and so on and so forth. But recently, in the past couple of years, ESPN has moved away from showing these games. They only show Texas Hold-Em events now. Why? Because the other formats simply didn't get as many viewers.


So by now I'm sure many fans of the other games like BlazBlue and King of the Fighters and Tekken are either sad or outright angry with me because they think they know where I'm going with this poker analogy. Am I really sitting here, telling you all to declare Street Fighter IV as king all-mighty of the Fighting Game community and to just accept it, like many poker players have just accepted Texas Hold-Em as the top-most played poker format? Am I saying that everyone should drop their games and go learn Street Fighter IV? Well... no. Not at all.

What I'm telling you is this: use the exposure of Fighting Games to the general public through Street Fighter IV to help your own community grow. Look at the influx of potential players and, instead of looking down upon the casual Street Fighter IV fan, nuture them and introduce them, slowly, to your game of choice.

Everyone nowadays goes into poker learning Texas Hold-Em. But it's almost a guarantee that, through the natural course of exposure to Texas Hold-Em, players who become serious about the game eventually move on to learn the other formats. They start learning how to play the other games due to general curiosity and the need for variety.


Is Street Fighter IV a simple game? Yes. But it's approachable and it's easy to learn. People who don't understand poker at all can watch poker on TV, see the percentages written on the screen, and recognize when someone catches a miracle card to win a hand and understand the elation or devastation experienced by the players. What they don't see is the slow-plays and the fake over-betting with a strong hand to feign weakness by appearing to try and buy a pot. People watching Street Fighter IV can tell everything that's going on and see who's winning thanks to the life bars and get excited by Ultra Combos and their pretty animations and recognize big comebacks and narrow victories and understand the elation or devastation experienced by the players. They don't see a lot of the subtle strategies that go on with Footsies and Option Selects and finger dexterity, but they don't need to: the game looks fun to them and they can understand it.

So the same thing starts to happen with Street Fighter IV that happens with poker: people who spectate start to get interested in playing because the game is so fun to watch. And they step into it and learn the subtleties little by little and their appreciation of the game grows. You start to understand why poker cannot be played without chips and why Street Fighter cannot be played without Throws. And then they start to understand the idea of why slow playing the set of kings is so effective and why baiting Wake-Ups becomes a fundamental tactic. And then they slowly but surely become good at a game that is actually friendly enough to allow them to get to a point where they are truly competitive. Yes, they are still going to lose to Patrick Antonius and Phil Ivey and Chris Ferguson and Johnny Chan 99 out of 100 times at the poker table, but they can at least play. And yes, they are still going to lose to Alex Valle and John Choi and Arturo Sanchez and Justin Wong 99 out of 100 times, but at least they can play!

And then what happens? They go to events like the World Series of Poker or Evolution and they start watching. They start seeing other games like Omaha or Marvel Vs. Capcom 2 or Seven Card Stud or Tekken and they become intrigued. And it's really up to those other communities, now, to bring those players in and introduce them to a different game. And who knows? Some of those people coming in as Texas Hold-Em fans may become one of the best Omaha players ever. A few of those Street Fighter IV kids may become pro BlazBlue players. You never know.


And this is bringing me to my main point: the Fighting Game Community needs to act as a whole from this point forward. This is why I do not want to discuss each community individually anymore. The Fighting Game Community is one entity, and it will only become successful and mainstream if it acts like one entity. The separate games of the Fighting Game Community need not ostricize and fight against other games. They need to start learning how to bring in other players and take advantage of the other communities.

Tekken players need to write up articles such as, "If you like using a Rush Down character like Cammy in Super Street Fighter IV, well then you should look at these characters to play in Tekken because they have similar sensibilities." BlazBlue experts need to write how strategies you've learned in Street Fighter IV apply to BlazBlue, such as Option Selects and BnB's and safe Block Strings and such. Heck, why stop at Street Fighter? They should even write articles that say "If you appreciate the Okizeme games of Tekken, here's how BlazBlue implements their Oki game in similar fashion."

The Fighting Game Community can only benefit from the influx of players that Street Fighter IV has brought in, and it's time for people to start realizing this and taking advantage of it. Only by doing so will the Fighting Game Community not only continue to grow, but to thrive and become truly a mainstream form of competitive entertainment.

Drink With Me

Drink with me to days gone by,
Sing with me the song we knew.
Here's to pretty girls who went to our heads,
Here's to witty girls who went to our beds.
Here's to me, and here's to you.

Drink with me to days gone by,
Could it be you fear to die?
Will the world remember you when you fall?
Could it be your life means nothing at all?
Is your life just one more lie?

Drink with me to days gone by,
To the life that used to be.
At the shrine of friendship never say die,
Let the wine of friendship never run dry.
Here's to you, and here's to me.

Drink with me - Les Miserables

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Somehow not being able to sleep at night led me to re-reading posts from my last blog. I notice how my three blogs differed in tone for a large majority of the posts, but somehow I feel I used to write better in JC. Must've been the arts class and all. Anyway I came across a couple of lines I posted from this song at the time, but now the whole song seems relevant when it didn't back then.

Conception

It's 5.45am in the morning, Sydney time, and I'm wide awake to the sound of generic pop music blasting from speakers 2 rooms down. I've slept for a grand total of 30 minutes, because somehow my brain refuses to shut down til 5am every day. White people on the floor stumble out of their rooms half-awake to start a day of alcohol and general debauchery, and while I don't condemn their activities in any sort of sanctimonious manner, I can't help but feel a general disdain for the enthusiasm they show to such an event. A fellow countryman here promises me that this will be a day to remember, and I don't doubt that, just probably not in the way that he expects.

It's Conception Day at Macquarie University, which according to Wiki celebrates the Conception of the founder of the school, Lachlan Macquarie. His conception is celebrated because apparently his birthday falls on an unappropriate day for festivities.

And festivities there are. When I asked what kind of things go on on Conception Day, my over-enthusiastic compatriot proudly proclaimed 'A Bouncing Castle' as one of the main highlights of the day. I stared at him and asked him how old he was, he said '24' and asked how that was relevant.

... I could go on. I know I sound annoyed and a small part of me probably is. But as usual in place of annoyance the pervading feeling of a general apathy is how I see this whole day. I mean I REALLY couldn't care less that you'd wake up at 6 in the morning to drink, party and screw around. I don't even care that you have to wake the ENTIRE hostel up at the same time with bad music, because clearly EVERYBODY should be participating in this momentous event. (Somehow even that shit is authorised) A few hours from now I'll probably be in an open-minded enough state to go to Uni to see for myself what's happening. I might even have fun.

God knows I've tried for ages to live this nihilistic philosophy of life. It's not easy. Stoicism was definitely out of the question, because I lacked the patience required to exercise that kind of viewpoint. I settled instead for trying not to care about what other people did, so long as I wasn't affected. And while I'm greatly affected by the proceedings around me now, my question with it extends far beyond myself (I think).

People who know me well and would like to think the best of me say that deep down I actually care about others in general. I maintain that I look out for the interests of firstly myself, and then my loved ones, and then subsequently I couldn't care less. I realise now that I'm lying to myself. I don't say this in any attempt to justify that I'm a better person than I thought I was, I'm just stating a point. My preferences for entertainment are such that I recognise that they will not be appreciated by the general populace. Yet I don't see the need to impose it on everyone else, especially at the time of the day that I know that people are obviously not rational and wiling to listen. (Self-included)

So I think what I'm trying to say is that maybe I'm not as big an asshole as I thought I was. I've often wondered which is worse though, the sinner that's self-aware, or the one that's ignorant. Because while morality can be cured, ignorance most certainly can't. On the scale of the most fucked up things I've seen or heard people do, I honestly believe I'd rank this as one of the highest. Some of the most evil events in history arose from a group of people sharing the common belief that THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH THEIR ACTIONS. Even when I do something wrong and later admit it to myself, there's at least the chance that I'll try not to do it again, or that whatever's left of my conscience will tell me not to do so. For those that remain ignorant, repentance is completely out of the question.

It's the start of my 3rd week as an 'adult', and I struggle now to maintain some level of maturity and not walk out of room and thrash the large speakers outside. I guess it's good that my anger isn't directed at any one person right now. Unfocussed anger is less likely to induce action, at least from me. I can assure you that my fellow residents will not see it the same way.