Conception

It's 5.45am in the morning, Sydney time, and I'm wide awake to the sound of generic pop music blasting from speakers 2 rooms down. I've slept for a grand total of 30 minutes, because somehow my brain refuses to shut down til 5am every day. White people on the floor stumble out of their rooms half-awake to start a day of alcohol and general debauchery, and while I don't condemn their activities in any sort of sanctimonious manner, I can't help but feel a general disdain for the enthusiasm they show to such an event. A fellow countryman here promises me that this will be a day to remember, and I don't doubt that, just probably not in the way that he expects.

It's Conception Day at Macquarie University, which according to Wiki celebrates the Conception of the founder of the school, Lachlan Macquarie. His conception is celebrated because apparently his birthday falls on an unappropriate day for festivities.

And festivities there are. When I asked what kind of things go on on Conception Day, my over-enthusiastic compatriot proudly proclaimed 'A Bouncing Castle' as one of the main highlights of the day. I stared at him and asked him how old he was, he said '24' and asked how that was relevant.

... I could go on. I know I sound annoyed and a small part of me probably is. But as usual in place of annoyance the pervading feeling of a general apathy is how I see this whole day. I mean I REALLY couldn't care less that you'd wake up at 6 in the morning to drink, party and screw around. I don't even care that you have to wake the ENTIRE hostel up at the same time with bad music, because clearly EVERYBODY should be participating in this momentous event. (Somehow even that shit is authorised) A few hours from now I'll probably be in an open-minded enough state to go to Uni to see for myself what's happening. I might even have fun.

God knows I've tried for ages to live this nihilistic philosophy of life. It's not easy. Stoicism was definitely out of the question, because I lacked the patience required to exercise that kind of viewpoint. I settled instead for trying not to care about what other people did, so long as I wasn't affected. And while I'm greatly affected by the proceedings around me now, my question with it extends far beyond myself (I think).

People who know me well and would like to think the best of me say that deep down I actually care about others in general. I maintain that I look out for the interests of firstly myself, and then my loved ones, and then subsequently I couldn't care less. I realise now that I'm lying to myself. I don't say this in any attempt to justify that I'm a better person than I thought I was, I'm just stating a point. My preferences for entertainment are such that I recognise that they will not be appreciated by the general populace. Yet I don't see the need to impose it on everyone else, especially at the time of the day that I know that people are obviously not rational and wiling to listen. (Self-included)

So I think what I'm trying to say is that maybe I'm not as big an asshole as I thought I was. I've often wondered which is worse though, the sinner that's self-aware, or the one that's ignorant. Because while morality can be cured, ignorance most certainly can't. On the scale of the most fucked up things I've seen or heard people do, I honestly believe I'd rank this as one of the highest. Some of the most evil events in history arose from a group of people sharing the common belief that THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH THEIR ACTIONS. Even when I do something wrong and later admit it to myself, there's at least the chance that I'll try not to do it again, or that whatever's left of my conscience will tell me not to do so. For those that remain ignorant, repentance is completely out of the question.

It's the start of my 3rd week as an 'adult', and I struggle now to maintain some level of maturity and not walk out of room and thrash the large speakers outside. I guess it's good that my anger isn't directed at any one person right now. Unfocussed anger is less likely to induce action, at least from me. I can assure you that my fellow residents will not see it the same way.