All In

I had... another one of those reflective dreams last night. It involved me and my best friend who was apparently Barney Stinson. Barney and I were playing in the World Series of Poker, and we found ourselves on the same table on the first day. We were like talking to each other and just enjoying the game when I think there was a hand where he was dealt pocket Jacks and I was dealt pocket 5s. Somehow we both knew what each other had, but I called anyway just to see if either of us would hit.

The flop comes J 5 4, and... basically there's this guy across the table who's raising pretty heavily into the two of us. For some reason I'm still calling all the way through the turn and river, which are blanks. Then the guy raises all in, and it's my decision first as to whether or not to call. For some reason even knowing that my best friend is behind me with a far better hand, I still decide to go all in with my inferior set of 5s. Barney then deliberates for ages before he folds his trip Jacks, and I win this enormous pot because the other guy was bluffing. I build a pretty monster chip stack and go on to win the entire World Series, but I remember feeling after I'd won that it was a pretty hollow win, because I knew I didn't deserve to get anywhere near that far due to how I played. My friend who gave up his tournament for me was nowhere to be found, and I was left pretty much alone with the money and the bracelet. I remember the rest of my life passing as a blur in the dream, where I became one of the top pros in the casinos and at the same time estranged from friends and family.

I'm not so far removed from my literary background that I can't see the deep inner fear that my dream was trying to reveal to me. But neither am I naive enough to drop poker or any other of my 'trivial' personal pursuits. I guess though it's important every now and then to be pulled back down to earth and reminded about the importance of companionship and friends that has to come hand in hand with chasing personal excellence. I refuse to believe the two are mutually exclusive events; to me having friends without achievements would always leave me with a great sense of wondering 'what could have been', and having achievements without friends (and Barney Stinson) to share it with would feel equally, if not more hollow.

I suppose nothing in my life's really going to change from this, be kinda stupid if it did anyway. But this reminder came at a pretty important time, and will not go completely ignored either. A change of mindset, perhaps, but not really either. Oh and I guess I'll think twice about playing pocket 5s from now on.