Undoubtedly.
Didn't do everything I wanted, in fact I've left quite alot unfinished. Didn't achieve everything I wanted, and I lost alot that I felt was kinda precious to me. (For as sentimentally attached to things that I can get) Didn't get to meet all the friends I wanted to, didn't get to spend as much time as I wanted to with the people I loved. Didn't exactly have the perfect birthday, didn't get as many presents as I would've liked and on top of that I might've spent close to a month's pay over these 9 days.
I have laughed, cried, sang, danced, swore, fought and gone through a dozen other emotionally charged actions all week. Mundanity is barely comprehensible now after all that I've been through. 2 more months of the banality I have yet to endure, but if this is what's waiting on the other side for the rest of my life then I can survive these last 2 months til the new beginning.
It has nothing to do with what I did, or didn't do. It was simply being able to choose and be in control (as much as I can) of my life for a week that made the difference. And it makes you all the more appreciative of what you did do, and what you have. The fact that it is yours, attained my your actions and your choices, allows you to be proud of everything that transpired, and look back upon the time fondly. Not with sentimentality and nostalgia, but with contentment and peace, knowing that the feeling there is yours to be grasped anytime you want it.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Happy Birthday
to Andrew Mcmahon again!
I am 20 now and must hence behave like an adult, and no longer a teenager.
I am 20 now and must hence behave like an adult, and no longer a teenager.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Fear -> Anger
I got angry twice in two days now. Surprisingly it had nothing to do with army, at least not directly. But in a sense the struggles from the week follow me around, somewhat unconsciously. It's not healthy, and I don't really like it. Anger makes you do and say things that will induce people to say 'RJ students got no EQ'. I don't think I've ever done something stupid while angry before. Logic still rules, for the most part. All it makes me do is say things without regard to how other people will react.
There's a saying that goes 'Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate .... '. It's interesting on the latter that anger and hate are actually two seperate things. I would go so far as to say that hate isn't an emotion, but a choice, somewhat like love. Even though I guess we use both words interchangeably in daily life there's actually a difference. Hate you can control, anger not so much. But that's a story for another time.
This is actually helping. Writing. Constructing rational arguments.
Most of my anger is based on fear. Fear at not being able to do achieve what I want. Fear of failing. Army can make me angry because it taps on my fear of not being in control. Which isn't so bad, but it goes one step further to take control away from you, even of the simple things in life like when to eat and sleep. My parents are actually the primary cause of most of my anger because they keep nagging/poking me regarding the things that I worry about daily. (Relationships, Future, Things-that-parents-decide-to-take-responsibility-for etc.) And it doesn't help, at all.
Same goes for driving. I'm scared shitless when I get behind the wheel everytime, which I combat as usual with a flippant attitude. Deep down there's this fear that something might go wrong and I'd kill myself and someone else, and it may not even have been my fault. It doesn't help that every time I get behind the wheel I have someone shouting instructions from my left. Note: do not ever backseat, or passsenger seat drive. All you do is irritate the driver.
When you get angry you need outlets, before it becomes energy destructive to yourself and those around you. And when I say energy I really do mean it in its fullest sense. The last good example of when I converted anger into energy was during the BMT 24km Route March. It still amazes me til today that I got through it. But anyway I reached a point where happy thoughts wern't enough to sustain me, which was when I decided to let anger at things drive my to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It wasn't fun, and I actually fell sick after doing that, and also after another incident, so it's not really healthy either. But yea it works. Mostly I get outlets in the form of games, music, and rarely, sports. But as long as the energy goes somewhere that doesn't affect people it's fine.
Tired now. Anger does that to you. Sigh.
There's a saying that goes 'Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate .... '. It's interesting on the latter that anger and hate are actually two seperate things. I would go so far as to say that hate isn't an emotion, but a choice, somewhat like love. Even though I guess we use both words interchangeably in daily life there's actually a difference. Hate you can control, anger not so much. But that's a story for another time.
This is actually helping. Writing. Constructing rational arguments.
Most of my anger is based on fear. Fear at not being able to do achieve what I want. Fear of failing. Army can make me angry because it taps on my fear of not being in control. Which isn't so bad, but it goes one step further to take control away from you, even of the simple things in life like when to eat and sleep. My parents are actually the primary cause of most of my anger because they keep nagging/poking me regarding the things that I worry about daily. (Relationships, Future, Things-that-parents-decide-to-take-responsibility-for etc.) And it doesn't help, at all.
Same goes for driving. I'm scared shitless when I get behind the wheel everytime, which I combat as usual with a flippant attitude. Deep down there's this fear that something might go wrong and I'd kill myself and someone else, and it may not even have been my fault. It doesn't help that every time I get behind the wheel I have someone shouting instructions from my left. Note: do not ever backseat, or passsenger seat drive. All you do is irritate the driver.
When you get angry you need outlets, before it becomes energy destructive to yourself and those around you. And when I say energy I really do mean it in its fullest sense. The last good example of when I converted anger into energy was during the BMT 24km Route March. It still amazes me til today that I got through it. But anyway I reached a point where happy thoughts wern't enough to sustain me, which was when I decided to let anger at things drive my to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It wasn't fun, and I actually fell sick after doing that, and also after another incident, so it's not really healthy either. But yea it works. Mostly I get outlets in the form of games, music, and rarely, sports. But as long as the energy goes somewhere that doesn't affect people it's fine.
Tired now. Anger does that to you. Sigh.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Keeping Fit
Somebody died in a triathalon over the weekend. He's not the first, and unfortunately he probably won't be the last.
Sure it's tragic, and this is in no way showing disrespect to the dead (or if it is it's totally unintended), but this is something that strikes me everytime I read about somebody dying in these events.
It annoys me. Greatly. I read about a man who's about 40, and he dies leaving behind a wife and kids, in the aim of 'keeping fit'. Personally I have nothing against people who want to keep fit when they're old. Or at any age, even though I've never made any such efforts. But running a marathon/triathalon is NOT in any way an example of how to 'keep fit'. I can only think of a two reasons why people might be persuaded to undertake such an idiotic endeavour.
a) They are completely unaware that it is a risk to their health to push their bodies beyond their normal physical limits.
b) They're aware of the risk, but they do it anyway because of the 'high' they get when they complete this.
Speaking of this 'high', I have never and I don't think I ever will understand the feeling of accomplishment that comes from these things. Admittedly I've never run a marathon, but a friend who had likened it to completing that torturous 24km Route March in BMT. He said that the feeling at the end of it was uncomparable, knowing that you've pushed your body to it's limits... to walk 24km, similar to that of completing a marathon. I wondered where he would've got this strange feeling of accomplishment from. As I recall when I finished 24km, exhausted and dehydrated, my feet burning from the blisters and my back aching from the injury that was going to be a permanent one, the only thing I thought was 'Great we finally finished it. Now hurry the fuck up and let me go sleep.' When my officer went up to all of us and said 'Congratulations, guys! You've walked 24km!', everyone cheered, and I was too tired to even raise my eyebrows in irony.
But hey who am I to question what gets you off? I get highs from things others might consider stupid as well. What I don't do is pursue these highs at risk of my HEALTH. The closest thing I can compare that to (which admittedly isn't very fair) is taking drugs. And most common people would have the sense not to do THAT.
It really saddens and angers me, when I see someone who goes after this without stopping to consider the risk he puts himself in, and what he could leave behind if something happens. No matter the amount of training this is something that you cannot influence in any way. There is a point where your body tells you that you should stop doing whatever it is and rest, which can be overridden by your mind if you so choose. This happens all the time, and most of the time it's okay, because our bodies are pussies and want you to give up the minute you feel the slightest discomfort. And as much as I advocate this Mind over Body thing, there is a point where you should listen to it, because there are just some things your mind can't see. (Then again if you were using your logical faculties you wouldn't be in that position in the first place)
Go play your sports and go for your daily runs and do whatever you want to prolong your life. But please THINK before you jump into something like this for whatever reason. Life's too short to chase down these highs when you've people around you who love you, whether or not you've ran 42km.
Sure it's tragic, and this is in no way showing disrespect to the dead (or if it is it's totally unintended), but this is something that strikes me everytime I read about somebody dying in these events.
It annoys me. Greatly. I read about a man who's about 40, and he dies leaving behind a wife and kids, in the aim of 'keeping fit'. Personally I have nothing against people who want to keep fit when they're old. Or at any age, even though I've never made any such efforts. But running a marathon/triathalon is NOT in any way an example of how to 'keep fit'. I can only think of a two reasons why people might be persuaded to undertake such an idiotic endeavour.
a) They are completely unaware that it is a risk to their health to push their bodies beyond their normal physical limits.
b) They're aware of the risk, but they do it anyway because of the 'high' they get when they complete this.
Speaking of this 'high', I have never and I don't think I ever will understand the feeling of accomplishment that comes from these things. Admittedly I've never run a marathon, but a friend who had likened it to completing that torturous 24km Route March in BMT. He said that the feeling at the end of it was uncomparable, knowing that you've pushed your body to it's limits... to walk 24km, similar to that of completing a marathon. I wondered where he would've got this strange feeling of accomplishment from. As I recall when I finished 24km, exhausted and dehydrated, my feet burning from the blisters and my back aching from the injury that was going to be a permanent one, the only thing I thought was 'Great we finally finished it. Now hurry the fuck up and let me go sleep.' When my officer went up to all of us and said 'Congratulations, guys! You've walked 24km!', everyone cheered, and I was too tired to even raise my eyebrows in irony.
But hey who am I to question what gets you off? I get highs from things others might consider stupid as well. What I don't do is pursue these highs at risk of my HEALTH. The closest thing I can compare that to (which admittedly isn't very fair) is taking drugs. And most common people would have the sense not to do THAT.
It really saddens and angers me, when I see someone who goes after this without stopping to consider the risk he puts himself in, and what he could leave behind if something happens. No matter the amount of training this is something that you cannot influence in any way. There is a point where your body tells you that you should stop doing whatever it is and rest, which can be overridden by your mind if you so choose. This happens all the time, and most of the time it's okay, because our bodies are pussies and want you to give up the minute you feel the slightest discomfort. And as much as I advocate this Mind over Body thing, there is a point where you should listen to it, because there are just some things your mind can't see. (Then again if you were using your logical faculties you wouldn't be in that position in the first place)
Go play your sports and go for your daily runs and do whatever you want to prolong your life. But please THINK before you jump into something like this for whatever reason. Life's too short to chase down these highs when you've people around you who love you, whether or not you've ran 42km.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Sweet Dreams
I had a ... primary school class gathering today. It was, as expected, nice to see those that turned up, but also filled with meaningless conversation that never gets anywhere. I kinda hated it, and yet I didn't want to leave when I had to, because a part of me found some enjoyment in being part of a group, even a hollow one.
Someone also mentioned that in my chosen career path I'd probably end up having to play this social game for a large majority of my life. Those... group lunches, and all those activities that you have to join in to be accepted into the 'gang', so you can be generally liked and make your work life easier. It was, I admit, something that I've not considered until now. I don't know if I'll ever be able to do something like that purely for the sake of integrating into a social circle that I have no desire to be a part of, but I need for my job. It's not that I'm incapable of it, I think. I've done it many times before, but never on a consistent basis. But the latter is probably what's required, which is what does scare me.
I don't like groups in general. I don't even like outings with more than two people. Four isn't so bad, the two couples can always flit back and forth around. But odd numbers always make someone (most oftenly me) feel like the awkward third eye, and anything more than that makes the conversation so pointless. The more people there are the less likely you are to find conversation topics that can tell you the most about the people involved, to such point that everything just becomes idel pleasantries. Perhaps I'm exaggerating abit, but you get what I mean.
One to one dates, one the other hand, are nice. You have the undivided attention of the other party, and vice versa. Everything that comes up will be something that you can relate to, and on the rare occasions that it's not, it's a direct line into the other person's thoughts and personality. Some people find it awkward though, especially when you hit a dry slump and there's nothing to fill the void between two people except look uncomfortably at something else until the next topic comes up. Personally I'd much rather have an awkward silence than a social facade. At least I know that I'm not the only one that's feeling out-of-place at a meeting.
Someone also mentioned that in my chosen career path I'd probably end up having to play this social game for a large majority of my life. Those... group lunches, and all those activities that you have to join in to be accepted into the 'gang', so you can be generally liked and make your work life easier. It was, I admit, something that I've not considered until now. I don't know if I'll ever be able to do something like that purely for the sake of integrating into a social circle that I have no desire to be a part of, but I need for my job. It's not that I'm incapable of it, I think. I've done it many times before, but never on a consistent basis. But the latter is probably what's required, which is what does scare me.
I don't like groups in general. I don't even like outings with more than two people. Four isn't so bad, the two couples can always flit back and forth around. But odd numbers always make someone (most oftenly me) feel like the awkward third eye, and anything more than that makes the conversation so pointless. The more people there are the less likely you are to find conversation topics that can tell you the most about the people involved, to such point that everything just becomes idel pleasantries. Perhaps I'm exaggerating abit, but you get what I mean.
One to one dates, one the other hand, are nice. You have the undivided attention of the other party, and vice versa. Everything that comes up will be something that you can relate to, and on the rare occasions that it's not, it's a direct line into the other person's thoughts and personality. Some people find it awkward though, especially when you hit a dry slump and there's nothing to fill the void between two people except look uncomfortably at something else until the next topic comes up. Personally I'd much rather have an awkward silence than a social facade. At least I know that I'm not the only one that's feeling out-of-place at a meeting.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
ILI
I finally understand now how work can cause a person stress.
Actually I still don't understand how it works, but I'm feeling it. I used to think stress was always self-induced, and I usually used it when I needed to push myself to put in more effort than I normally would, but this time I definitely don't want or need it, and it isn't helping at all.
I can't even rest at home with my Influenza-Like Illness in peace without getting disturbed by my camp. The knowledge that there's nothing that can be done about the problems in the other world doesn't prevent worries from seeping into Empire City. (A place where all problems are solved by lightning)
I would explode and say 'I can't take it any more' except for the fact that I know LOGICALLY that it won't improve my situation any, and I only have to hold out for 3 and a half more months (probably less) before I can turn my back on all these idiotic trivial things.
I'm whining. On my blog. I hate that. Which is supposed to show how affected I am by this.
I feel like reflecting upon my experiences as a Runner for the last... 8 months but a part of me feels that the story's not over yet, and there are still twists in the plot.
Actually I still don't understand how it works, but I'm feeling it. I used to think stress was always self-induced, and I usually used it when I needed to push myself to put in more effort than I normally would, but this time I definitely don't want or need it, and it isn't helping at all.
I can't even rest at home with my Influenza-Like Illness in peace without getting disturbed by my camp. The knowledge that there's nothing that can be done about the problems in the other world doesn't prevent worries from seeping into Empire City. (A place where all problems are solved by lightning)
I would explode and say 'I can't take it any more' except for the fact that I know LOGICALLY that it won't improve my situation any, and I only have to hold out for 3 and a half more months (probably less) before I can turn my back on all these idiotic trivial things.
I'm whining. On my blog. I hate that. Which is supposed to show how affected I am by this.
I feel like reflecting upon my experiences as a Runner for the last... 8 months but a part of me feels that the story's not over yet, and there are still twists in the plot.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Indifferent
It is... sad, when I see something as beautiful as a sunrise from one of the best views in the country, and feel absolutely nothing. I... can understand the awesomeness of God's power in his creation of something so magnificent, and I can see that awe reflected in the eyes of my friends, but only as a bystander, someone who understands but never truly experiences the wonder of that beauty.
Same goes with most other natural wonders that I've seen in my life. Maybe it's the many places my parents have brought me to see in my childhood that has somehow... jaded me to the whole concept of natural beauty. Actually no. I take that back. It's more of a... I've seen mountains, rivers, canyons, and all those things that supposedly make the world a beautiful place, and yet I am not impressed in any sense. It's more like a passing 'okay that's pretty' feeling, but I can't really connect to any of them. The only geographical location that ever resonated with me was the desert in Africa. It wasn't even like a pretty desert that you see in movies, or anything of the sort. It's the kind of desert that's hot, dry and drains you of any kind of energy that you might have. The difference I think was that it wasn't grand or bombastic, not in the way that some mountains seem to scream out 'LOOK AT ME I'M A MOUNTAIN' or 'ZOMG LOOK HOW AWESOME MY SUNRISE IS'. It was simply a 'I'm a desert. Life sucks here, but thanks for coming anyway'. And it is in a sense the most peaceful place I've ever been. It's also the only geographical place I have (or at least, have come the closest too) experienced God.
The class chalet was... a nice experience. I won't say I had the time of my life there - I never really enjoy large crowds, but it was really nice seeing everyone together in one place, talking, socialising and generally just enjoying each other's company. Myself I prefer smaller gatherings that give more of an opportunity to learn about people better, but I realise how much seeing other people happy gives me a sense of satisfaction of a job well done when I had something to do with planning it.
Same goes with most other natural wonders that I've seen in my life. Maybe it's the many places my parents have brought me to see in my childhood that has somehow... jaded me to the whole concept of natural beauty. Actually no. I take that back. It's more of a... I've seen mountains, rivers, canyons, and all those things that supposedly make the world a beautiful place, and yet I am not impressed in any sense. It's more like a passing 'okay that's pretty' feeling, but I can't really connect to any of them. The only geographical location that ever resonated with me was the desert in Africa. It wasn't even like a pretty desert that you see in movies, or anything of the sort. It's the kind of desert that's hot, dry and drains you of any kind of energy that you might have. The difference I think was that it wasn't grand or bombastic, not in the way that some mountains seem to scream out 'LOOK AT ME I'M A MOUNTAIN' or 'ZOMG LOOK HOW AWESOME MY SUNRISE IS'. It was simply a 'I'm a desert. Life sucks here, but thanks for coming anyway'. And it is in a sense the most peaceful place I've ever been. It's also the only geographical place I have (or at least, have come the closest too) experienced God.
The class chalet was... a nice experience. I won't say I had the time of my life there - I never really enjoy large crowds, but it was really nice seeing everyone together in one place, talking, socialising and generally just enjoying each other's company. Myself I prefer smaller gatherings that give more of an opportunity to learn about people better, but I realise how much seeing other people happy gives me a sense of satisfaction of a job well done when I had something to do with planning it.
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