Sympathy

There's something about another guy crying in front of you that sorta makes you think about things. Sure, girls cry all the time but for a dude to cry in front of another dude means something's really messed up.

Something about that whole situation today sorta struck me as significant enough for me to remember it now, just before I'm going to bed. I didn't even like the guy. He's the kind of arrogant yet idiotic, pompous yet loserish kind of person that sorta typifies everything I hate about other people in army. He came back to camp today after a long 3 or so months of MC for depression, and I can imagine the kind of remarks he would've gotten from the other insensitive blockheads of assholes in my camp. I had way better things I'd rather have been doing like reading my book or playing PSP, but something I saw in his haunted eyes made me stop and ask him into my office to talk, and catch up a little. Maybe it was because he once slept in the same room as me for a period of time, or maybe by my indifferent attitude towards everyone in camp it meant that I was a closest thing he had to a friend in a hostile environment. I still don't know why I did it.

But anyway he came in, and I made the mistake of asking how he'd been and what had happened. He didn't exactly... break down, we were never close enough for that, but yet when you see someone who was once so cocksure and annoying lose all shred of his dignity and not even give a damn you can't help but feel... sorta sorry for him. Like yea he was, and still is an asshole and an idiot, but nobody deserves that kinda shit happening to them. At least not for his sins. Hell, if you wanna talk justice even I deserve all that more than him. And feel sorry for him I did, because ultimately that was about the most I could do. I couldn't help him, which was not for lack of trying. I talked to him, tried to talk him out of the self-destructive spiral that he seemed destined towards, and ran into that same stubborn obnoxious idiot that annoyed the crap out of me 6 months ago. Despite everything that happened, it occured to me that he was still exactly the same person. Broken down, spit on by society and without a shred of his dignity left, but he still hadn't learned a thing about his faults or what led him to his current state. I can't even find it in me to laugh, or shake my head at that kind of idiocy. There was just a lingering sense of pity, for someone that despite all the bad things that happened, has NO IDEA AT ALL why they happened, and seems destined for similar events to hit him again.

Perhaps I'm being judgemental, and maybe despite my pessimism he finds the will, or the divine help, to pull himself out of his current predicament. After he was sorta calmed down he left my office, and I told him to take care of himself and to call me if he ever needed help or anything. To my surprise I found that I meant what I said, that I really would help him as long as it was for his own good, even though I probably wouldn't influence his life in any impactful way.

I never liked him. I don't think I ever will. But somehow it's not easy to turn someone like that away. And when you see someone so young who's been fucked so thoroughly by life that you think he's doomed to ignomity and a shitty existence and you want nothing more than to have absolutely nothing to do with him, that's when surprisingly you find that you actually care more for people like that who can't help themselves. So all you do his offer your hand, not even hoping that he'll take it and you can lead him back into the light, because that would be too much to hope for, but simply believing that in helping him take that first of many steps he might defeat the odds and make something out of his life one day. Perhaps I exaggerate, as I always do, but that's how we learn.

And learn most importantly, I must. To see what had become of someone who once had unwavering belief in his own strength and abilities, due to a combination of stubbornness and bad luck (or being on the negative side of God's plan, take your pick), and keep it in your brain as a dark reminder of what you DON'T want to become.

Great Expectations

'Biddy,' said I, after binding her to secrecy, 'I want to be a gentleman.'

'Oh I wouldn't, if I was you!' she returned. 'I don't think it would answer.'

'Biddy,' said I, with some severity, ' I have particular reasons for wanting to be a gentleman.'

'You know best, Pip; but don't you think you are happier as you are?'

'Biddy,' I exclaimed impatiently, 'I am not at all happy as I am. I am disgusted with my calling and with my life. I have never taken to either, since I was bound. Don't be absurd'

'Was I absurd?' said Biddy, quietly raising her eyebrows; 'I am sorry for that; I didn't mean to be. I only want you to do well, and to be comfortable.'

'Well then, understand once and for all that I never shall or can be comfortable - or anything but miserable - there, Biddy! - unless I can lead a very different sort of life from the life I lead now.'

'That's a pity!' said Biddy, shaking her head with a sorrowful air.

Now, I too had so often thought it a pity, that, in a singular kind of quarrel with myself which I was always carrying on, I was half inclined to shed tears of vexation and distress when Biddy gave utterance to her sentiment and my own. I told her she was right, and I knew it was much to be regretted, but still it was not to be helped.

'If I could have settled down,' I said to Biddy ... ... 'if I could have settled down and been but half as fond of the forge as I was when I was little, I know it would have been much better for me. You and I and Joe would have wanted nothing then, and Joe and I would perhaps have gone partners when I was out of my time, and I might have even grown up to keep company with you, and we might have sat on this very bank on a fine Sunday, quite different people. I should have been good enough for you; shouldn't I, Biddy?'

...

'Instead of that,' said I, ... ... ' see how I am going on. Dissatisfied, and uncomfortable, and - what would it signify to me, being coarse and common, if nobody had told me so!'

- Great Expectations

The Best Week In Two Years

Undoubtedly.

Didn't do everything I wanted, in fact I've left quite alot unfinished. Didn't achieve everything I wanted, and I lost alot that I felt was kinda precious to me. (For as sentimentally attached to things that I can get) Didn't get to meet all the friends I wanted to, didn't get to spend as much time as I wanted to with the people I loved. Didn't exactly have the perfect birthday, didn't get as many presents as I would've liked and on top of that I might've spent close to a month's pay over these 9 days.

I have laughed, cried, sang, danced, swore, fought and gone through a dozen other emotionally charged actions all week. Mundanity is barely comprehensible now after all that I've been through. 2 more months of the banality I have yet to endure, but if this is what's waiting on the other side for the rest of my life then I can survive these last 2 months til the new beginning.

It has nothing to do with what I did, or didn't do. It was simply being able to choose and be in control (as much as I can) of my life for a week that made the difference. And it makes you all the more appreciative of what you did do, and what you have. The fact that it is yours, attained my your actions and your choices, allows you to be proud of everything that transpired, and look back upon the time fondly. Not with sentimentality and nostalgia, but with contentment and peace, knowing that the feeling there is yours to be grasped anytime you want it.

Happy Birthday

to Andrew Mcmahon again!

I am 20 now and must hence behave like an adult, and no longer a teenager.

Fear -> Anger

I got angry twice in two days now. Surprisingly it had nothing to do with army, at least not directly. But in a sense the struggles from the week follow me around, somewhat unconsciously. It's not healthy, and I don't really like it. Anger makes you do and say things that will induce people to say 'RJ students got no EQ'. I don't think I've ever done something stupid while angry before. Logic still rules, for the most part. All it makes me do is say things without regard to how other people will react.

There's a saying that goes 'Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate .... '. It's interesting on the latter that anger and hate are actually two seperate things. I would go so far as to say that hate isn't an emotion, but a choice, somewhat like love. Even though I guess we use both words interchangeably in daily life there's actually a difference. Hate you can control, anger not so much. But that's a story for another time.

This is actually helping. Writing. Constructing rational arguments.

Most of my anger is based on fear. Fear at not being able to do achieve what I want. Fear of failing. Army can make me angry because it taps on my fear of not being in control. Which isn't so bad, but it goes one step further to take control away from you, even of the simple things in life like when to eat and sleep. My parents are actually the primary cause of most of my anger because they keep nagging/poking me regarding the things that I worry about daily. (Relationships, Future, Things-that-parents-decide-to-take-responsibility-for etc.) And it doesn't help, at all.

Same goes for driving. I'm scared shitless when I get behind the wheel everytime, which I combat as usual with a flippant attitude. Deep down there's this fear that something might go wrong and I'd kill myself and someone else, and it may not even have been my fault. It doesn't help that every time I get behind the wheel I have someone shouting instructions from my left. Note: do not ever backseat, or passsenger seat drive. All you do is irritate the driver.

When you get angry you need outlets, before it becomes energy destructive to yourself and those around you. And when I say energy I really do mean it in its fullest sense. The last good example of when I converted anger into energy was during the BMT 24km Route March. It still amazes me til today that I got through it. But anyway I reached a point where happy thoughts wern't enough to sustain me, which was when I decided to let anger at things drive my to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It wasn't fun, and I actually fell sick after doing that, and also after another incident, so it's not really healthy either. But yea it works. Mostly I get outlets in the form of games, music, and rarely, sports. But as long as the energy goes somewhere that doesn't affect people it's fine.

Tired now. Anger does that to you. Sigh.

Keeping Fit

Somebody died in a triathalon over the weekend. He's not the first, and unfortunately he probably won't be the last.

Sure it's tragic, and this is in no way showing disrespect to the dead (or if it is it's totally unintended), but this is something that strikes me everytime I read about somebody dying in these events.

It annoys me. Greatly. I read about a man who's about 40, and he dies leaving behind a wife and kids, in the aim of 'keeping fit'. Personally I have nothing against people who want to keep fit when they're old. Or at any age, even though I've never made any such efforts. But running a marathon/triathalon is NOT in any way an example of how to 'keep fit'. I can only think of a two reasons why people might be persuaded to undertake such an idiotic endeavour.

a) They are completely unaware that it is a risk to their health to push their bodies beyond their normal physical limits.
b) They're aware of the risk, but they do it anyway because of the 'high' they get when they complete this.

Speaking of this 'high', I have never and I don't think I ever will understand the feeling of accomplishment that comes from these things. Admittedly I've never run a marathon, but a friend who had likened it to completing that torturous 24km Route March in BMT. He said that the feeling at the end of it was uncomparable, knowing that you've pushed your body to it's limits... to walk 24km, similar to that of completing a marathon. I wondered where he would've got this strange feeling of accomplishment from. As I recall when I finished 24km, exhausted and dehydrated, my feet burning from the blisters and my back aching from the injury that was going to be a permanent one, the only thing I thought was 'Great we finally finished it. Now hurry the fuck up and let me go sleep.' When my officer went up to all of us and said 'Congratulations, guys! You've walked 24km!', everyone cheered, and I was too tired to even raise my eyebrows in irony.

But hey who am I to question what gets you off? I get highs from things others might consider stupid as well. What I don't do is pursue these highs at risk of my HEALTH. The closest thing I can compare that to (which admittedly isn't very fair) is taking drugs. And most common people would have the sense not to do THAT.

It really saddens and angers me, when I see someone who goes after this without stopping to consider the risk he puts himself in, and what he could leave behind if something happens. No matter the amount of training this is something that you cannot influence in any way. There is a point where your body tells you that you should stop doing whatever it is and rest, which can be overridden by your mind if you so choose. This happens all the time, and most of the time it's okay, because our bodies are pussies and want you to give up the minute you feel the slightest discomfort. And as much as I advocate this Mind over Body thing, there is a point where you should listen to it, because there are just some things your mind can't see. (Then again if you were using your logical faculties you wouldn't be in that position in the first place)

Go play your sports and go for your daily runs and do whatever you want to prolong your life. But please THINK before you jump into something like this for whatever reason. Life's too short to chase down these highs when you've people around you who love you, whether or not you've ran 42km.

Sweet Dreams

I had a ... primary school class gathering today. It was, as expected, nice to see those that turned up, but also filled with meaningless conversation that never gets anywhere. I kinda hated it, and yet I didn't want to leave when I had to, because a part of me found some enjoyment in being part of a group, even a hollow one.

Someone also mentioned that in my chosen career path I'd probably end up having to play this social game for a large majority of my life. Those... group lunches, and all those activities that you have to join in to be accepted into the 'gang', so you can be generally liked and make your work life easier. It was, I admit, something that I've not considered until now. I don't know if I'll ever be able to do something like that purely for the sake of integrating into a social circle that I have no desire to be a part of, but I need for my job. It's not that I'm incapable of it, I think. I've done it many times before, but never on a consistent basis. But the latter is probably what's required, which is what does scare me.

I don't like groups in general. I don't even like outings with more than two people. Four isn't so bad, the two couples can always flit back and forth around. But odd numbers always make someone (most oftenly me) feel like the awkward third eye, and anything more than that makes the conversation so pointless. The more people there are the less likely you are to find conversation topics that can tell you the most about the people involved, to such point that everything just becomes idel pleasantries. Perhaps I'm exaggerating abit, but you get what I mean.

One to one dates, one the other hand, are nice. You have the undivided attention of the other party, and vice versa. Everything that comes up will be something that you can relate to, and on the rare occasions that it's not, it's a direct line into the other person's thoughts and personality. Some people find it awkward though, especially when you hit a dry slump and there's nothing to fill the void between two people except look uncomfortably at something else until the next topic comes up. Personally I'd much rather have an awkward silence than a social facade. At least I know that I'm not the only one that's feeling out-of-place at a meeting.