Hack

I have concluded that there are so far, 2 instances where an uncontrollable fit of violent coughing (the kind that lasts for 30seconds and more) can be preceeded/followed by the most awesome feeling. They are:

1) After drinking an ungodly amount of Coke.
2) After singing/screaming 'Slither - Velvet Revolver' at the top of your lungs.

After which, my throat never felt clearer. Or more painful. I forget.

Decrepit

I... don't really know what it means when I come back from gatherings like today, and just feel this empty feeling somewhere inside me as I say the last goodbye. It's... the same feeling as when I leave church, and there's that proverbial gap in my heart that's Jesus-shaped, made all the more painful by the knowledge that I got what I chose.

When the different personas I use start to creep into my subconscious and fight for control, I start to... lose the memory of who I started out as, who I'm really supposed to be. There's an old... Caamassi (I think I spelt that wrongly) saying - 'When the wind no longer calls your name, perhaps it is because you no longer know who you are', and I think I've reached that point many years ago. The solution was to step back and remember the last time from which you knew who you were, and start anew from that point. But I think I've reached a stage where memories of the past are so... conflicting that I can't even tell which feelings were genuine, if there were any in the first place. Hell I can't even tell which of my feelings now are genuine.

And if I try to start from how people perceive me... I don't know. I think some of my closest friends believe I am morally decrepit enough to cheat on my girlfriend behind her back, and I honestly can't say I blame them for thinking that. It's the... persona that they've seen for the last... 3-5 years, and it's all they know of me so... it's understandable. Again, one of those things made all the more painful by the fact that I chose this persona. Why? I can't remember, if ever I even had a good enough reason to.

Seeing happiness in others used to make me happy as well. Even if I had nothing to do with that happiness there was at least this small joy in knowing that the people you care about, no matter what problems they're having, can still put a smile on their faces when meeting you. Now... it still makes me happy, but there's this small sadness again. Sigh.

Controlled Alternate

It's been one of those days where you just wonder what would've happened if you lived your life differently. Like... made different key choices at each stage of your life that would've shaped you to be a far different person. Different dreams, different schools, different subjects, different girl... It's said that the person you are is who you were meant to be, that try as you like all you can do is create some facade of a person that can hide who you really are. (I hesitate to use a phrase like 'who you really are, because I don't really believe there's even such a thing) If I'd gone to SJI instead I believe I'dve turned out alot differently, in a rather ironic sense. If I'd decided to play sports instead I'd have a rather different outlook on life. If I'd gone triple science I might've had much better results. If I'd gone after someone else... *shrugs*

Of course on hindsight it's easy to say that 'I could have taken that other choice' but ultimately there's no real way to figure out what would've happened if you had. The people that interest me the most tend to be the people I see glimpses of myself in, with more similarities than differences, but leading completely different lives. Ironically the person that best fits the description is the one person I've spent most of my life with - my brother. 17 years and I still find myself puzzled by his motivations, dreams and tastes. One minute he seems to be following the path I've taken, the other he stubbornly veers off in a completely different direction and forges his own life. It's... interesting, to see what he does. I'm not the kind of sibling that gives him good advice on life or anything. All I've done up til this point is tell him the choices I've taken and where they've gotten me, to see if he'd make the same choice.

It stands to reason in a rather ironic sense that the more time you spend with someone the less you understand them, at least for me, because I feel more and more that the person I understand the least is myself.

Easter

I think I am one of the few people that can walk into a church on Easter Sunday, walk out, and still feel as miserable.

I'm also finding it rather weird that only my non-Christian friends are SMS-ing me 'Happy Easter'. I can't see any reason why a non-Christian would even acknowledge Easter, there being no public holiday or any other reason to celebrate it. (Unless you're into eating rabbits. Which are actually rather good, after you get over the guilt)

The problem with trying not to use army as an excuse to get on with my life is that it's not entirely a baseless excuse.

Backdoor

Someone should educate the DotA community on the following:

a) Tunneling does NOT reduce Garena lag.
b) Backdooring is NOT by any means illegal. And don't even bitch about it being a 'cheap' way to win. There are no cheap ways to win.

There were actually alot more I wanted to say but since nobody reads this blog I shan't bother. Then again that's what I thought the last time too. Oops.

But seriously backdooring is the most awesome way to get things done. I backdoored into my primary school. I backdoored into RI. I backdoored to get my girlfriend. (metaphorically, and no not in THAT way) I backdoored into my current appointment in army. I've been backdooring all my life and I don't see any negative effects.

Backdooring = efficiency.

Confessional

Having dinner with Michelle yesterday kinda made me realise how much fun it is to talk to people and not have to worry about how anything you say might be taken the wrong way, misunderstood, or give offense. It makes conversation so much fun. And I am severely starved of that kind of conversation in my daily life 5 days a week.

I went for penitential service just now. (For the uninformed non-Catholics, that's like a confession mass. And I can't really be bothered to go any further) Going for confession always kinda sucked for me, because there's never any forgiveness if you're not really repentant, and if you're not confessing you're just saying how fucked up you are aloud to somebody, which will only make you feel worse, and you feel absolutely no absolution for your sins after that.

Today I confessed that I was running away from the love of others. Friends, family and especially God. The more love you show for me the more likely I am to not reciprocate it as well. I don't really know why, it's not like I'm scared to open up to people or anything. I think I just forgot how to be selfless a long time ago.

Typing the first line of the above paragraph kinda reminded me of a conversation in the mini-canteen from what seems like a lifetime ago, which went something like this:

Sarah: There are just some bible passages that I can't find any way to relate to my cell group about. Like the whole book of Jonah. I mean seriously who feels like they're running away from God?

Me: Every day.

And I still am.