Disparity

Every night I go to sleep disappointed with myself for having wasted yet another day away. And promise myself that tomorrow will be different, that I'm actually gonna DO something productive. And every morning I wake up with fire in my back muscles instead of my veins, and when any morning strength you can muster is devoted to pulling yourself out of bed and walking so slowly to the bathroom it's pretty damn hard to want to do anything else for the rest of the day.

I woke up this morning in serious amounts of pain, like every inch of my back just ACHED like crazy. It was about 10 and I thought I had slept enough already so I went to the bathroom, and for some reason after I walked out the bathroom door I just collapsed on the floor there. Like my legs just gave way and refused to work. I literally crawled back to my bed and managed to pull myself up and stay there, where I slept til about... now.

It seems that little parts of me/my life are breaking down piece by piece around me. I don't even know if it's due to no fault on my part or because I've neglected them. And with everything that dies the effort to revive each and every one saps a little bit more out of me. And I'm not sure how much I have left.

Abstinence

I just went more than 24 hours without switching on my computer!

Asylum

Before I forget, everyone should go watch Fantastic Mr Fox because it's pretty awesome.

It's been two weeks since I've left Army and while I've kinda wanted to write down what I've learned and how I've changed in the last two years I can't really seem to get down to it. Alot of reluctance involved in digging up those memories. I still won't say that it was an invaluable experience that I'll cherish forever, but I'll at least admit now that it wasn't a complete waste of my time. Anyway, moving on.

Batman Arkham Asylum has got to be one of the most gripping games I've played ever. It's like... a combination of Metal Gear, Devil May Cry and Phoenix Wright all in one. It's pretty psychologically intense as well. I'm attributing my minor headache now to Joker and Scarecrow.

Addiction

I have come to the conclusion that after a night of clubbing, I'll end up being filled with an immense amount of loathing for:

a) Myself
b) The rest of the world or
c) Both.

It's not so much a judgement on my part. Everyone gets to do what they please in life. If you're enjoying yourself (or you have made yourself believed that you've enjoyed yourself) then by all means carry on. And if you didn't it makes you wonder why the hell you were there at all, and worse, why you'd go back.

All Boys Are Assholes

It's getting harder to remember these days that I was once a good person, or that there's some part of me that still cares about people. I know it's there, or it was there, somewhere buried deep inside under layers of... God-knows-what.

And now I look at myself in the mirror and see a person that I feel repulsed by, yet at the same time can welcome him warmly as the person that I am. I've never run away from my flaws, nor denied they existed, but the problem with accepting them is that you become used to their presence, such that getting rid of them becomes all the harder. I don't hate myself, but nor am I the person that I want to be. Then again I don't really know who that is either.

Crazy

I remember when, I remember
I remember when I lost my mind.
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions have an echo in so much space.

And when you're out there without a care
Yeah, I was out of touch.
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough,
I just knew too much.

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Probably.

...

My heroes had the heart
To lose their lives on a limb.
And all I remember,
Is thinking, I want to be like them.

Ever since I was little,
Ever since I was little it looked like fun.
And it's no coincidence I've come,
And I can die when I'm done.

But maybe I'm crazy,
Maybe you're crazy.
Maybe we're crazy,
Probably.

Crazy - Gnarls Barkley

Ethreal Guilt

It's funny/scary how even my dream self seems to have some sort of a conscience, or at least a clear sense of what's right and wrong.

I think I've mentioned before that the scariest kind of nightmares arn't the ones that have no realistic likelihood of coming true (i.e. aliens invading, or terrorists attacking Singapore) but the kind that could happen in your everyday life, given the right circumstances. These are the kinds that can scare you to the very core of your being, because you'd never know if they'd ever happen.