Crazy Like A Tiger

There's something extremely cathartic about driving down the expressway at over 120, with your windows down and rock music blasting all the way. It's not so much about the adrenaline rush that comes at high speeds, although that is pretty enjoyable in itself.

I think it has more to do with the fact that at that speed which you're not really used to, everything becomes a potential threat to your continued existence. Hence the only thing that will keep you alive is the concentration of your mind on the road and its hazards, and the willingness of your body to cooperate to instructions. I don't think I'm a thrill seeker in that respect, nor do I get any sort of pleasure from walking close to the edge of a cliff. It's the mental challenge that appeals to me, with the added pressure of the very real consequences should I fail.

This could also be a very good allegory for my life, but let's not go there.

Shield Skills

Just like Cap

Fear Itself

I hate this period of time. The few days before I go back to Sydney. It's not like I'm dreading the return, quite the contrary actually. I treat the school term like a holiday, a chance for me to catch up on the sleep debt I've been racking up over the break, and to (I use this in the most ironic sense) 'get away from it all'.

No, it's similar to the 'book-in feeling', i.e. the feeling one gets when it's Sunday afternoon. It's not quite time to start worrying and packing, but it's not so far away that you can plan interesting activities to fill up your time with. I've actually got a list of errands I wrote down at the start of the break that I never got around to doing, which are likely going to be pushed forward to the next break, but we'll see. It's still morning.

I wonder if it's possible for something previously conquered to come back and kick you in the ass, specifically a fear. I was always/still am afraid of a lot of things. From fears that have physical manifestations like heights, the dark, bugs, water and the like to slightly more abstract fears, like failure, embarrassment and other such insecurities. Since I was a child I've been struggling to not be conquered by these fears, hence forcing myself to overcome them by focusing on something I enjoyed that naturally clashed with my fears.

For example when I was a kid I loved to climb stuff. Still do actually. I have fond memories of the various artificial rock walls I've scaled in various gyms and camps, and more so of the natural rock wall in Krabi, Thailand that my family once went to for a holiday. The joy of moving vertically up pretty much overrode all other concerns at that point, from the numerous cuts on my palms from climbing, to the fact that I was easily more than 10 meters above the ground.

And yet... I don't think the fear ever went away, rather it was pushed to the back of my mind by more pressing concerns. I once forced myself to sleep alone on the couch downstairs when I was a kid in the dark, and yet at this age when I go downstairs in the middle of the night I still bring my phone as a sort of flashlight.

So I guess I am still afraid of all these things, even though I've learned that I can function despite these fears if there is a pressing enough need. And these are just the physical fears, many other things in my life that I'm afraid of arn't worth mentioning here. I KNOW I can get over these fears if I need to, but then I wonder why I sit at the bottom of roller coasters not daring to go up. Maybe it's the lack of purpose that makes me unwilling to take the effort to overcome the fear, I don't know. But the problem is every time I decide to give in to the fear the question of whether or not I'll be able to conquer it when the time comes becomes ever more pressing.

I would very much like to believe in absolutes in life. Unshakable pillars of belief that I can hold on to no matter what. And yet I'm coming to understand that ever pillar I build blocks a small angle of view around me, and closes me off from the world just a little bit more. I don't believe that there are absolute truths in life, but nor do I believe that life is an ever-changing entity. The truths and mysteries in life are what you define them to be. If God is your truth then there is a pillar in your life. And pillars are good... sometimes. Life as an infinite mystery is far more... appealing, to a part of me.

But it comes down to fear, still. We build pillars and walls and fortresses because we are afraid of the unknown. This is a concept that is pretty popular nowadays, that people fear what they do not understand. Cliched as it is there is a great deal of truth in it. I would very much like to embrace the unknown without fear, and not shy away from something just because I do not understand it. I think then fear can have been said to be conquered ... intellectually.

Intellectually I know that the likelihood of there being monsters in the dark, of me falling off a roller-coaster, or of drowning in a swimming pool is insignificantly minute. And yet I am in the end just another person, and fears are not the result of a rational process. I recognise this and still I move on, afraid still, but with the knowledge that the fear will lessen with every step I take.

Self-Glorification

Because I'm actually really good at this game.

Dubstep

Listening to various dubstep remixes of your favourite songs can do weird things to your brain.

Also, I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but people who label their personal covers of songs as 'OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO' should just go and die. I've lost count of the number of times over this week that I've expected Muse/Kanye/Big Bang goodness and instead ended up watching an overweight ugly-ass white/chinese/pinoy (because seriously who else does shit like that) person with (and it is ALWAYS) a guitar.

All In

I had... another one of those reflective dreams last night. It involved me and my best friend who was apparently Barney Stinson. Barney and I were playing in the World Series of Poker, and we found ourselves on the same table on the first day. We were like talking to each other and just enjoying the game when I think there was a hand where he was dealt pocket Jacks and I was dealt pocket 5s. Somehow we both knew what each other had, but I called anyway just to see if either of us would hit.

The flop comes J 5 4, and... basically there's this guy across the table who's raising pretty heavily into the two of us. For some reason I'm still calling all the way through the turn and river, which are blanks. Then the guy raises all in, and it's my decision first as to whether or not to call. For some reason even knowing that my best friend is behind me with a far better hand, I still decide to go all in with my inferior set of 5s. Barney then deliberates for ages before he folds his trip Jacks, and I win this enormous pot because the other guy was bluffing. I build a pretty monster chip stack and go on to win the entire World Series, but I remember feeling after I'd won that it was a pretty hollow win, because I knew I didn't deserve to get anywhere near that far due to how I played. My friend who gave up his tournament for me was nowhere to be found, and I was left pretty much alone with the money and the bracelet. I remember the rest of my life passing as a blur in the dream, where I became one of the top pros in the casinos and at the same time estranged from friends and family.

I'm not so far removed from my literary background that I can't see the deep inner fear that my dream was trying to reveal to me. But neither am I naive enough to drop poker or any other of my 'trivial' personal pursuits. I guess though it's important every now and then to be pulled back down to earth and reminded about the importance of companionship and friends that has to come hand in hand with chasing personal excellence. I refuse to believe the two are mutually exclusive events; to me having friends without achievements would always leave me with a great sense of wondering 'what could have been', and having achievements without friends (and Barney Stinson) to share it with would feel equally, if not more hollow.

I suppose nothing in my life's really going to change from this, be kinda stupid if it did anyway. But this reminder came at a pretty important time, and will not go completely ignored either. A change of mindset, perhaps, but not really either. Oh and I guess I'll think twice about playing pocket 5s from now on.

Quite Interesting

Something rather disturbing has happened as a result of watching episodes of QI as a break from studying. I find now that Stephen Fry's voice is the narrator of my Statistics Notes. Which somehow makes it funny.