Monday, June 21, 2010
Achievement
I have officially spent more hours today studying (8) than hours slept the night before (7). Anyone who knows me well enough would know that my study hours are full study hours.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Poker Facebook
I had... one of those dreams last night that start to get you thinking about things you wouldn't otherwise have considered.
I still remember alot of it, but anyway the important part has something to do with this guy I used to know in army. He was... a nice enough person, a good enough friend of mine, smart and able to reason and consider other points of view. His only flaw (if it could be called that) was probably not being ambitious enough, and not willing to push himself to strive for something better. It wasn't laziness, it was more of a contentment with what he had in life and where he was going. I... only spoke to him once more after I left the service, when he called me some time in January to ask how I was doing. He's also one of the few people outside my usual circles that know where I am now and what I'm doing. We agreed to go get a drink with him some day after he leaves, although I think we both knew that wasn't going to happen.
Anyway the point of the dream was that I ran into him one day 20 years down the road and he asked me somewhat sadly why I never bothered to keep in touch. I gave some pretty bad excuse about not having the time to, but in reality it was that one particular aspect of his character that I disagreed with that makes me unwilling to put in the effort to maintain a relationship. Which is one of my personal flaws - this... belief that because some people are the way they are, it makes them... 'not worth the effort' of me trying to maintain a relationship. Not in the sense that I believe I'm better than them, or that they're useless, but in a simple pragmatic way that I don't see my relationship with them going anywhere, and hence why invest the time and effort into sustaining something with no foreseeable future? Sure I may be wrong, but that's how I see it.
Which brings me to my final point. Lately I've been getting more and more requests from people asking me to join Facebook. I have friends here in Sydney who claim that I am the only person they know that doesn't have it. (isn't on it, whatever.) I think part of the reason why I've staunchly refused to jump on this trend -heh, other than the fact that it is a trend- is that I fear the many pseudo-relationships I have to open myself up to online. There are many people from service who's names I've forgotten and have no wish to remember. I've met alot of people in my life that would throw a punch at me in real life and add me as a friend on Facebook. The whole... superficiality of it annoys me. If you and I arn't friends in real life why maintain this virtual facade?
And yet... there is a small tinge of regret. What you do to others you usually find done to yourself, and there are people I do wish that I could've gotten to know better. People whom I havn't seen in almost 10 years, but who sometimes flit into my thoughts briefly, causing me to wonder where they are now. The knowledge that these questions could easily be answered by the click of a button is almost too... tempting. And as I write this now I seriously am considering opening an account. Online social networking is still social networking, and every relationship built starts with small, superficial steps that grow into something far more meaninful.
But no. For the simple reason that it's too easy. Too easy to extend myself online, where the emotional hurt of a failed attempt at a relationship is minimised to a sad emoticon. Too easy to be fooled into thinking that a relationship could be more than it actually is. Relationships have to be worked for. I know that better than most people.
Making a friend isn't as simple as a click of a mouse online, and never will be. It's a long, beautiful process that starts with a phone call, and a day out.
I still remember alot of it, but anyway the important part has something to do with this guy I used to know in army. He was... a nice enough person, a good enough friend of mine, smart and able to reason and consider other points of view. His only flaw (if it could be called that) was probably not being ambitious enough, and not willing to push himself to strive for something better. It wasn't laziness, it was more of a contentment with what he had in life and where he was going. I... only spoke to him once more after I left the service, when he called me some time in January to ask how I was doing. He's also one of the few people outside my usual circles that know where I am now and what I'm doing. We agreed to go get a drink with him some day after he leaves, although I think we both knew that wasn't going to happen.
Anyway the point of the dream was that I ran into him one day 20 years down the road and he asked me somewhat sadly why I never bothered to keep in touch. I gave some pretty bad excuse about not having the time to, but in reality it was that one particular aspect of his character that I disagreed with that makes me unwilling to put in the effort to maintain a relationship. Which is one of my personal flaws - this... belief that because some people are the way they are, it makes them... 'not worth the effort' of me trying to maintain a relationship. Not in the sense that I believe I'm better than them, or that they're useless, but in a simple pragmatic way that I don't see my relationship with them going anywhere, and hence why invest the time and effort into sustaining something with no foreseeable future? Sure I may be wrong, but that's how I see it.
Which brings me to my final point. Lately I've been getting more and more requests from people asking me to join Facebook. I have friends here in Sydney who claim that I am the only person they know that doesn't have it. (isn't on it, whatever.) I think part of the reason why I've staunchly refused to jump on this trend -heh, other than the fact that it is a trend- is that I fear the many pseudo-relationships I have to open myself up to online. There are many people from service who's names I've forgotten and have no wish to remember. I've met alot of people in my life that would throw a punch at me in real life and add me as a friend on Facebook. The whole... superficiality of it annoys me. If you and I arn't friends in real life why maintain this virtual facade?
And yet... there is a small tinge of regret. What you do to others you usually find done to yourself, and there are people I do wish that I could've gotten to know better. People whom I havn't seen in almost 10 years, but who sometimes flit into my thoughts briefly, causing me to wonder where they are now. The knowledge that these questions could easily be answered by the click of a button is almost too... tempting. And as I write this now I seriously am considering opening an account. Online social networking is still social networking, and every relationship built starts with small, superficial steps that grow into something far more meaninful.
But no. For the simple reason that it's too easy. Too easy to extend myself online, where the emotional hurt of a failed attempt at a relationship is minimised to a sad emoticon. Too easy to be fooled into thinking that a relationship could be more than it actually is. Relationships have to be worked for. I know that better than most people.
Making a friend isn't as simple as a click of a mouse online, and never will be. It's a long, beautiful process that starts with a phone call, and a day out.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Top Gun
It's one of those nights again. 5 in the morning here and I don't feel like sleeping at all, though I havn't taken a nap all day. Every now and then it hits me pretty hard how far away from home and everything I know and love that I am, and even though I'm about 2 weeks away from seeing it again, there are 4 papers in between me and that. Even now it's bothering me that by sleeping late I'll end up sleeping most of tomorrow and not having enough sleep, which will affect my study plan tmr ... ... Fuck that.
I watched Top Gun earlier tonight. It was one of my favourite films as a kid, though I never actually understood the story and all. That along with Flight Of The Intruder, which went even higher above my head as a child. Kinda sad though, that nobody makes movies about fighter planes and pilots anymore, nor are there any good flight simulator games going around. Doesn't every kid dream of being a pilot at some point in his life?
I also won $30 by coming in 3rd in my weekly poker game on Sunday, which in all honesty didn't mean that much to me. It proved to me once and for all that money isn't the reason I play these games, but it's the thrill of the game that I'm paying for. Oddly enough I walked away with the money feeling slightly annoyed at myself for having gotten so far while playing like a scrub. But yea, it's nice to know that I'm not lying to myself for once. Seem to have been doing alot of that over the past few years.
I watched Top Gun earlier tonight. It was one of my favourite films as a kid, though I never actually understood the story and all. That along with Flight Of The Intruder, which went even higher above my head as a child. Kinda sad though, that nobody makes movies about fighter planes and pilots anymore, nor are there any good flight simulator games going around. Doesn't every kid dream of being a pilot at some point in his life?
I also won $30 by coming in 3rd in my weekly poker game on Sunday, which in all honesty didn't mean that much to me. It proved to me once and for all that money isn't the reason I play these games, but it's the thrill of the game that I'm paying for. Oddly enough I walked away with the money feeling slightly annoyed at myself for having gotten so far while playing like a scrub. But yea, it's nice to know that I'm not lying to myself for once. Seem to have been doing alot of that over the past few years.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
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