ILI

I finally understand now how work can cause a person stress.

Actually I still don't understand how it works, but I'm feeling it. I used to think stress was always self-induced, and I usually used it when I needed to push myself to put in more effort than I normally would, but this time I definitely don't want or need it, and it isn't helping at all.

I can't even rest at home with my Influenza-Like Illness in peace without getting disturbed by my camp. The knowledge that there's nothing that can be done about the problems in the other world doesn't prevent worries from seeping into Empire City. (A place where all problems are solved by lightning)

I would explode and say 'I can't take it any more' except for the fact that I know LOGICALLY that it won't improve my situation any, and I only have to hold out for 3 and a half more months (probably less) before I can turn my back on all these idiotic trivial things.

I'm whining. On my blog. I hate that. Which is supposed to show how affected I am by this.

I feel like reflecting upon my experiences as a Runner for the last... 8 months but a part of me feels that the story's not over yet, and there are still twists in the plot.

Indifferent

It is... sad, when I see something as beautiful as a sunrise from one of the best views in the country, and feel absolutely nothing. I... can understand the awesomeness of God's power in his creation of something so magnificent, and I can see that awe reflected in the eyes of my friends, but only as a bystander, someone who understands but never truly experiences the wonder of that beauty.

Same goes with most other natural wonders that I've seen in my life. Maybe it's the many places my parents have brought me to see in my childhood that has somehow... jaded me to the whole concept of natural beauty. Actually no. I take that back. It's more of a... I've seen mountains, rivers, canyons, and all those things that supposedly make the world a beautiful place, and yet I am not impressed in any sense. It's more like a passing 'okay that's pretty' feeling, but I can't really connect to any of them. The only geographical location that ever resonated with me was the desert in Africa. It wasn't even like a pretty desert that you see in movies, or anything of the sort. It's the kind of desert that's hot, dry and drains you of any kind of energy that you might have. The difference I think was that it wasn't grand or bombastic, not in the way that some mountains seem to scream out 'LOOK AT ME I'M A MOUNTAIN' or 'ZOMG LOOK HOW AWESOME MY SUNRISE IS'. It was simply a 'I'm a desert. Life sucks here, but thanks for coming anyway'. And it is in a sense the most peaceful place I've ever been. It's also the only geographical place I have (or at least, have come the closest too) experienced God.

The class chalet was... a nice experience. I won't say I had the time of my life there - I never really enjoy large crowds, but it was really nice seeing everyone together in one place, talking, socialising and generally just enjoying each other's company. Myself I prefer smaller gatherings that give more of an opportunity to learn about people better, but I realise how much seeing other people happy gives me a sense of satisfaction of a job well done when I had something to do with planning it.

Better

In the eleven and a half weeks since he had seen Ventress the first time, he had gone through their meeting again and again, cataloging every mistake, anaylzing everything he could remember from that first savage encounter. Back on Coruscant, he had come to understand that he had underestimated her. For the first few passes of their encounter he had been looking to disarm her; by the time he realised his mistake, she had taken the initiative and was driving him back with a relentless attack.

...

He had imagined their rematch a hundred times: contemplated which opening stances to use, which attacks would be most sucessful, which of his strengths he could play to.

...

There was only one thing he had never fully admitted into his analysis. She was better than he was.
Just.
Better.

...

Faster. More elegant. Better footwork. More precise with her blades. ... She understood her own nature and skills and weaknesses better than Jai knew himself.

Just better.

- Star Wars: Dark Rendezvous