You tried, Captain.

(Spoiler, Elizabeth)

'I failed,' he said.
Maimun hugged him close, shaking his head, choking up.
'I have been ... a fool,' Deudermont gasped, no strength left in him.
'No!' Maimun insisted. 'No. You tried. For the good of the people, you tried.'
And something strange came over young Maimun in that moment, a revelation, an epiphany. He was speaking on Deudermont's behalf a that moment, trying to bring some comfort in a devastating moment of ultimate defeat, but as he spoke the words, they resonated within Maimun himself.
For Deudermont had indeed tried, had struck out for the good of those who had for years, in some cases for all their lives, suffered under the horror of Arklem Greeth and the five corrupt high captains. He had tried to be rid of the awful Prisoner's Carnival, to be rid of the pirates and the lawlessness that had left so many corpses in its bloody wake.
Maimun's own accusations against Deudermont, his claims that Deudermont's authoritarian nature was no better for the people he claimed to serve than were the methods fo the enemies he tried to defeat, rang hollow to the young pirate in that moment of great pain. He felt unsure of himself, as if the axioms upon which he had buildhis adult life were neither as resolute nor as morally pure, and as if Deudermont's impositino of order might not be so absolutely bad, as he had believed.
'You tried, Captain,' he said. 'That is all any of us can ever do.'

- The Pirate King, by R.A. Salvatore

Distant World

I felt... really happy today. More so than I've ever been for a really long time. It wasn't a kind of ecstatic overjoyous feeling, but more so a level of... contentment.

Watching Distant Worlds was.... pretty much the most awesome concert I've ever been to in my life. From an unbiased point of view it wasn't so great quality-wise, but it was the essence was what it was that allowed me to enjoy it so much. Combining the two things I love the most (games and music) and experiencing it on such a grand scale was... nothing short of awesome. I think I was tearing throughout like 90% of the performance. I think for 2 hours today I was truly transported to a place that was the combination of the two worlds of fantasy that I indulge in, which was as close to a heavenly feel that I would ever get. Every note played surged memories of all my past gaming experiences through my head, every spell casted, every GF/Aeon/etc. summoned, every Limit used. I feel the need to describe this in detail now because the feeling's sadly fading away already, and I'd like to put it down for something to remember, to go along with the physical souvenir of Mr. Nobuo Uematsu's autograph, and the less tangible memory of shaking his hand.

The wedding today didn't really disappoint either. Even though I ended up not playing a huge a role as I originally wanted to, it's just... nice to see a wedding in it's full entirety. Especially when you know the couple personally, you feel this sense of... happiness and satisfaction, at seeing a pair happily in love, and enjoying their wedding day despite all the crap that has to come with planning it.

It's things like these that make me believe in love and magic. And after two weeks of crappiness in camp this was exactly what I needed. It's making all the other small things I did to enjoy myself (DotA) seem small in comparison. So I guess I'm thankful, for this... rejuvenating start to my week of rejuvenation.

And maybe, hopefully, one day, I'll find that Distant World right next door, and just one step away from my life.

Television

I realise that the 3 serials that I indulge in all give me points for insight into my own life in some way. OTH allows me to reflect on my relationships with others, House lets me examine my own psyche and motivations, and... Heroes just lets me watch Sylar cut people up.

I am... exhuasted. And I've not even stepped outfield yet. And my 'week' is only a quarter done. It's again, the little things that I need to keep me sane for the next... 9 days.

Lifeless

I didn't leave house at all the whole day. Scary.

I actually woke up at 1230pm today. Like... fell asleep at 230 and when I woke up and looked at the clock it was already 1230. Not like I was tired or anything too. Scary.

I am... about to not see a weekend for the first time in.... almost a year. Scary.

Best Medicine

Tonight was just what I needed. When it's one of those times where there isn't a direct solution to what's bugging you, sometimes the only solution is just to forget about it and laugh it all away for a night. I don't laugh much these days. Not the forced laughter that comes out so often, but the real heartfelt laughter at something.

And it's nice to spend time with people who bring out the 'better' sides of me. While it's always more tempting to spend time with the friends who are the most like you in all ways, it's usually never really a good idea to hang around them too often. People who are too much like you make you think that certain rather unbecoming traits of yourself are acceptable, and you end up not becoming a better person by hanging out with them. Instead you end up 'enabling' each other's bad habits, until what was merely a side of you becomes more and more evident when you're with other people.

Which... is sad, because while these are the people that you can identify with the most, ultimately they add very little to your life, and end up making you not as whole a person as you could be.

Time Is Running Out

It's been... quite a week. Emotional downs and more downs, one of those times when all that's keeping you sane are the small insignificant things that only make you happy because you allow them to. I'm kinda tired of re-telling over and over again everything that's happened.

The scary thing is, it seems like this is only a prelude to what the rest of May has to offer. In a sense it feels like the route march that I started the week with, when you tiredly just drag one foot in front of the other, and the only thing sustaining you is some overly powerful stimulus that will not allow you to give up. The problem being that even if the body wants to give up, the brain can always tell it otherwise, but if the brain wants to give up, there's nothing to tell it to continue. (The heart, evidently, doesn't do shit in this metaphor) Right now I'm plodding one foot in front of the other in some unknown direction, with no real reason to go on though.